What goes on inside my head

Today was the first gymnastics class that Emma has been to in 2 months. We took the summer off. It was only the 3rd time doing gymnastics on the pump...and the first 2 times were shortly after beginning pumping...so I don't truly count those....I had no idea what I was doing at all...I was winging it big time and flying by the seat of my pants giving a one two kung fu punch at each daily obstacle that dared to cross our paths and mess with our first few baby steps on the pumping path. To give all of you not living with diabetes in your lives a little perspective as to what flies through the parent of a diabetic child's mind while embarking on something like this...I thought I would share all of the thoughts crashing around in my brain on the 10 minute car ride to gymnastics today. For those of you who do deal with diabetes in your life...I am sure you can all relate to most of the thoughts yourselves...at least I hope that I am not alone in this crazy thought experience...lol...maybe i am just a dramatic crazy Momma...I honestly don't think so though. Anyway, here goes.....

I drove to class nervous beyond all belief. Emma happily chattered away in the back seat munching on a pre-class snack that I made her half-bolus for out of fear of lows occuring. Her voice sounded to me like Charlie Brown's teacher honestly. I knew she was talking to me...jibber jabbering away...excited to get back to the gym after the long summer break. I used all of my focus to concentrate on driving...thoughts of should i not have bolused for that snack at all? should i start a temp basal now? should i wait till we get there? will she be low? will she make it to the halfway point break for a snack (class is 2 hours long)? Will she like her new coach? will she have a good time? I wish she would stop getting all excited and jittery cause I am sure that's affecting her BG...I wish she would sit still and not expend any energy at all...lol...but i know thats wrong to expect that of her...shes 7...shes a kid. will she go low? will she recognize it? will i spot it from all the way across the gym through the viewing window while standing in the hallway? can we do this? can I do this? can i give her this experience that she loves so dearly and make it as normal as possible for her without D getting in the way? will she go low? will she go low? will she go low? will she pass out? will she have a seizure? will the coaches have to run across the gym as she is collapsing in a pile of LOW-ness on the gym floor so they can reach me and call 911? will i be able to use the glucagon if need be? will i be shaking to horribly to get the job done to save her life? will she go low? oh God, please don't let her go low...please let her be ok...please let me spot the low if you have to make it happen here...please let her be ok...please don't let her go low...please let her enjoy this thing that she loves just like all of the other kids out there...please don't let D get in the way and screw things up. I will do anything to make this happen...please don't let her go low....please let her be ok...

We arrived at the gym. She went in. I stood at the window for roughly 2 hours staring at her face as she ran, climbed, swung on the bars, did tricks on the balance beam, jumped on the trampoline, and so much more. I wished for binoculars when she was all the way on the other side of the gym. I wondered if her college aged coach was really paying attention to spot lows. I wondered if she was too distracted with the other kids. I wondered if I would have to ring her neck if something bad happened and she didn't allow Emma to stop what she was doing to come out for a BG check. I stared at the coaches face...willing her to understand the gravity of what could happen with diabetes and intense activity. I stared at Emma's face searching for anything unusual...paleness...dark circles under her eyes...lethargic...any sign of a low. I know that face so well...I have stared at her beautiful little face for 7 years now. I know every freckle, every expression, every look she gives...I know her.
At the end of the two hours, we went through 47 carbs...only bolused for 9 of them...and a -20% temp basal for the entire time....and she walked out of the gym at a 6.8. I was just as exhausted as she was. I felt like I had just gone a few rounds with Mike Tyson...but we did it...we walked out of there into the bright sunshine...hand in hand...victorious once again.