Saturday, December 29, 2012

A Tale of 2 D-Kiddos for a Night

Over the last almost 9 years, I have seen a lot of kids playing together. I've seen Emma play with a lot of different kids. It's always facinating to me to see how kids interact with each other...the differences in boys play vs how girls play. I think it's pretty cool to see these little people interact and how their personalities shine they are learning as they are playing...they are learning how to get along with to work together. They are learning and forming bonds and showing a little light along the way of glimpses into who they will be as adults. I think it is very cool to watch.
Tonight Emma had a friend sleep over. She has had a few friends over now and has actually gone to one sleepover at a friends herself. She is making memories...just like I did at that age...memories that will last her a lifetime...memories that she will think of one day when she is a Mom and her kids reach this age as well. This sleepover was a little different though. The friend that slept over has type 1 diabetes too. I have to admit I was a little nervous at the thought of being 2 pancreases for these girls. I was a little nervous....I didn't want to screw up...I didn't want to do anything wrong to cause the little girls Mom to worry instead of enjoy her night off. This Mom and her family mean a lot to me and I wanted to make tonight as care free for them all as possible. So, I shoved my nervousness way down deep...and I tried to look at it as logically as possible. Yes, there are two d-kiddos asleep upstairs instead of just one tonight. Yes, they both have pancreases that no longer work. Yes, they both are wearing insulin pumps and will need me to tip toe into the room in the wee hours of the night to check their blood sugars. I can do this. I have done it for one d-kiddo for almost 5 years now...its just another finger poke in the long list of finger pokes i have done in my lifetime.
As I watched the two girls playing tonight, I couldn't help but smile. Had diabetes not entered our lives, these two little girls never would have met. They did all the typical little girl things...played with Barbies, Monster High dolls, played Just Dance on the Wii...they giggled, they had snacks, they chattered away like only little girls know how.
One moment sticks out for they were playing, Emma's friend asked her if she was scared to get her first infusion site put in when she first started pumping. Emma said, "Oh YA! I was really scared!"...her friend admitted that she was too.....and then they started playing again. It was just a moment in their chatter....a moment of something that is their reality...a thought that occured to experience they have both shared. It made my heart hurt to be honest. It hurt because of the magnitude of the experience they have both had at such a young age....and it hurt because of how smoothly and seamlessly they continued on about their it was just another thing to talk about. I guess in IS just another thing for them to talk about....because it IS their IS a part of them both.
I'm glad they have that bond. I'm glad that Emma wasn't the only d-kid in the room tonight. I'm glad they both felt less alone.
I also want to mention that after my experience tonight, I tip my hat to all of the parents out their with more than one child that has diabetes. It's not easy. It's hard to keep the numbers straight. It's hard to split your thinking three seperate part yourself and one part for each kid. It's hard. You are all amazing people in my eyes...and it did not take me long to realize that.
Even after all this time, I still don't know everything about diabetes....I probably never will...but after tonight, I do know that if we aren't there to help each other....then the world would be a much sadder place. I'm greatful for my D-peeps....all of you...near and far.

Sunday, December 23, 2012

I think she knows

Emma and I were looking through old videos saved to my laptop the other day. We came across one that she made for World Diabetes Day and she was talking about the day she was diagnosed. She was only 4 years old...and I was always under the impression that she didn't really know what was going on other than we made her go to the hospital and that it was boring.

Well, she mentioned something in the video that really struck a chord with me and made me realize that no matter what the get it. They are a lot smarter than we give them credit for. They listen when we don't think they are listening. They can read the looks on our faces no matter how good we think we are at pretending everything is ok. They can tell by the sound of our voices and the look in our eyes. They know.

Emma said, "I remember how people kept taking me for walks that day. I think it was because they were trying to get me away from the bad news."

I do remember taking her out of that depressing hospital room and going for walks. I remember my husband doing the same. I remember the feel of her tiny little 4 year old hand in mine. I remember staring at the faces of the people around us in the hallways...staring at them and feeling the jealous tears stinging my eyes. I remember thinking to myself that I wished I could just scoop her up in my arms and run out the hospital doors. I wanted to flee the building, run outside as fast as I could, and just keep going. I wanted to leave and never come back. I remember walking past the cafeteria and seeing people milling about with their trays of food...thinking to myself how unfair it all we were now destined for a life of restrictions and limits and battles with food. All the while I could feel the warmth of her tiny little hand in mine.

Thinking back on it now, I realize that in that moment...her tiny little hand was my strength. The feel of her hand in mine grounded kept me sane. I wonder if she knew how much it meant to me that she was taking each minute in stride. I wonder if she knew at 4 years old that I felt a failure. I wonder if she knew that any shred of confidence I had in my ability to be her Mommy had been the thing to flee the building...right out the front soon as I heard the word "diabetes." I wonder if she knew I was wandering purpose to my direction in end in sight. I wonder if she knew that she was the only thing making me keep moving...putting one foot in front of the other.

I wonder if she knows the same rings true today....over 4 years later. I wonder if she knows that she is the reason for every step I take...every stumble out of bed in the morning...every crawl into bed at night. I wonder if she knows that even though her hand is now not as tiny....that when it is placed in mine...I feel like I could conquer the world.

I think she does...I think she knows.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Cause you had a bad day...

We had a rough day today. I felt like my voice wasn't heard. I felt like my kid and I didn't we were just two small people in the world that didn't matter because we were hidden behind a mound of paper and rules and policies. I was hurt. I was angry. I felt sad.
Now that a couple of hours have passed, I can see through the red haze of being upset. I learned a couple of things today. I learned that I am a lot stronger than I thought I was...which is surprising to me...because I have always thought that since diabetes came into our lives, I had become stronger already. I learned that while in the midst of chaos and hurt and people who don't get it...people who don't understand...people who don't care...........there are STILL people that do care. I learned that THOSE people are the ones that matter and THOSE people are the ones that I need to think about. I learned that the faces of those people are what I need to pull up to the front of my mind and my thoughts. I need to focus on them and remember them and know in my heart that they have our best interests in mind....they care about my daughter...they care about us. I learned that the actions of a few do not reflect the actions and purpose of all.
I learned that there is no length that I won't go to when it comes to Emma. I will push and push and push until the results I need...the results SHE needs are reached. I learned that no matter how upset I am and how angry I am...I will keep going. When it comes to Emma I will always keep going....because it's what I do. I am her Mom and it's what I do. I have always liked to think that I would knock down walls, run to the ends of the Earth, fight off any problem that may arise for her. I knew I had it in me....but it was a nice reminder today to actually feel it. To feel that D-Mom fight...that fire in my emotions threatening to take was a nice reminder even though at the time it hurt.
I learned that the people who care most about us feel the same way. They are in our corner and they are willing to do whatever it takes to fix things. They are there to join their voice with mine when I feel like my voice is falling on deaf ears. That's a comforting thing to know in regular ordinary's all the more magnified when it comes to a life with D.
Today I learned that I do have a voice...and my voice matters...and I can't thank those people who helped me see that enough.

Monday, December 17, 2012

Survivor or Compassion

Like many people tonight, I was looking forward to watching the season finale of "Survivor." For the past few seasons, the show has become a sort of Mommy and Emma time. We watch it together...cheer on our favorites...enjoy the talk of the game...and hold onto a shared moment each week. What started out as simply another reality TV show for me that I enjoyed watching....has turned into an hour a week that I get to share with my daughter. An hour away from diabetes. An hour away from the day to day stresses. Just an hour a week that is guaranteed time for her and I to sit on the couch together and just be together.
We had been talking about tonight's episode all week...looking forward to it...discussing who we thought would win in the end. As time rolled around and we expected it to begin, we were disappointed to find out it was delayed....first because of a prior football game......and then due to the President speaking at the memorial service for the tragedy that occured in Connecticut.
As a parent of an 8 yr old, I decided to turn the channel. I did not want to have my daughter watch the speech. I don't know if that was the right decision or not....but it was the decision I made.
I went on Facebook and decided to check out the Survivor page on there to see what time the finale was due to begin so I would know when to turn the channel back on. What I saw at that point was disheartening to say the least. I read comment after comment from people....Americans, Canadians, people all over the world. The overwhelming majority of the comments were people complaining about the President being on....complaining about their tv show being delayed...complaining. Some stating how they didn't want to see Obama on the screen...the election was over...what was he trying to prove by speaking there. Some stating how they didn't give a shit about what happened in Connecticut...they just wanted to see their tv show. Some stating that it didn't happen to their didn't happen in their didn't affect them who cares...just put Survivor on. Some stating that they were Canadian and it wasn't THEIR President on the wasn't THEIR country that was affected by this devastating just put Survivor on for the Canadians at least. Some stating that they were so sick of seeing this tragedy plastered all over the news...all over the tv channels...all over the internet....enough already...just get on with things.
To read those comments felt like a knife through my heart. To read the hateful...selfish...mean spirited words that people wrote....ahhh it was probably one of the most disappointing things I have seen in a long time. To know that the majority of these people cared more about seeing the finale of a reality tv show...and whether or not they were going to miss the beginning of it...and how they would have to DVR it and watch it opposed to having enough compassion...enough respect...enough human decency to be patient...let this speech occur...let these families of the victims heal...let the WORLD heal..........honestly, it made me want to vomit. To know that the overwhelming majority of these people thought these things...and are obviously incapable of seeing past the end of their made me fear the future that my daughter is destined to grow up in. I found it sickening.
I hope that what I saw and what I read was not how the rest of the world felt. I hope that this was just a group of selfish...mean...heartless individuals. I hope that everyone else cares enough to teach their children to have compassion. I hope that everyone else cares enough about each other to see that a reality tv show pales in comparison to the tragic realities of the world. I hope.
I witnessed an ugly display of human behaviour tonight....and I hope that people can take a moment to look outside of their living rooms and see that if we don't start caring for one another and having compassion...that the world will never will only become worse.

Friday, December 14, 2012

My safe naive bubble

For the most part, I go about my day....fairly naive to the atrocities in the world. I function quite well in my little bubble. I have faith in those around me. I trust them. I believe that deep down everyone is good and everyone has good intentions. In my little bubble, no one would ever think of harming another. We all go about our days, smiling at each other as we pass by....helping each other by holding the coffee shop door open...saying thank you to the mailman. In my bubble, the world and everyone in it is good.
I know it's ridiculous to think this. I know it is not the case. I know there are more bad guys out there in the world than I am aware of. I know this to be true. I know there are tragic events that occur all the time. I know there are malicious individuals that have nothing but evil thoughts racing through their fevered minds. I'm not an idiot....I know this is the case.
After hearing of the tragedy that occured today, I cried. I cried for those parents....those families...I cried for those poor frightened innocent children. I cried. My tears will not bring them back. My tears will not ease their families pain. My tears will not accomplish anything productive. It was a natural reaction to a devastating occurance.
I am an American. I do not like guns. I am not in favor of guns nor will I ever be in favor of guns. I think it is absurd that any lunatic off the street can own a gun. Guns were designed to kill. Period. I may not be in the majority in my beliefs on this....but honestly I don't care about the majority. It is my opinion....and as an American, I am entitled to my opinion and I have the right to share it.
As 3:00 rolled around, I found myself standing on the playground at my daughter's school. I saw clusters of parents huddled together talking. I heard snippits of their conversations....guns...babies killed...travesty. I found myself looking around the playground and being leary....nervous...of the lone man standing and waiting. I stared at him....feeling a nervousness in my stomach...staring at his face trying to recall if I had seen him before. I was judging him.....judging him because of what occured today. I hate that I did that. I was ashamed of myself when I saw a child come running out of the school as the bell rang and ran towards this man...arms wide...ready to hug. I was ashamed of myself for judging him and saddened by the reality of the world around me.
I am afraid for the future world my daughter will live in. I have the typical fears.....will she achieve her goals? Will she be happy?...........I have the diabetes fears....will she live long enough to achieve her goals? Will she have complications? Will she struggle for the rest of her life or will a cure come?............and I have heartwrenching fears.......will a tragedy like today happen to her?
Will I spend my days peering out from my little bubble now.....cautiously peering....scanning the world around us for danger....fear...REAL fear? Will I spend my days always on the lookout for psychopaths carrying guns?
Or will I time passes....will I forget and revert back in to my bubble....and let the naive thoughts and feelings of goodness take over again?
I don't know. Time is a frightening thing. Time numbs us. The passing of time is a relative thing. Time will never hold the same meaning for those parents that lost their babies today. They were robbed of time this morning. A man with a gun took that from them today.
At the very base of it all.......I will never (nor would I want to) change the minds of those that are pro-gun. I will never (nor would I want to) try to make them think like me. The only thing I can do in the midst of the madness and fear and anger and devastation and hold my child....teach her that there is no greater thing than love.....teach her that having compassion for others is ideal........teach her that acceptance is key.........teach her that while not everyone in the world is good, there is still good in the world. It's all I can do. Teach her...and hope.

Sunday, December 9, 2012

My secret for those that are new

In our 4+ years of dealing with diabetes, I have had the honour of meeting so many other people also affected by this disease. Some who have been doing this a lot longer than us. Some who are brand new. Every single person that I have encountered has taught me something. I think that is a pretty amazing thing. If I were to spend my days walking around thinking that I knew all there was to know about diabetes....I would be asking for nothing but trouble. If I were to keep my blinders up and avoid those new interactions and new experiences and new conversations, I would be missing out on appreciating my past and how far we have come. It's all a matter of perspective I suppose.

Whenever I get the chance to speak with parents who have been doing this for more years than I can even fathom, I find myself looking at them with a sort of admiring respect. I find myself asking them questions about how they handled certain situations, how they feel now, how they have been able to maintain their sanity and still focus on giving their kid a healthy normal life all at the same time.

Whenever I meet newly diagnosed families, my heart hurts. I am immediately transported back to those first few weeks of Emma's diagnosis. I can feel the same pain...I can feel the disbelief...the worry...the fear...the complete and total overwhelmingness of it all. It hurts. I hate going back to that place in my head. There are times where I just feel like I have to step away and not let myself go there. I feel like I have to protect myself and shove that pain back down...way down...bury it and hide it from myself, just so I don't have to feel it again. However, I look in their eyes....or I read their words...their cries for help...their despair...and I can't bury it. I can't shove it down. I can't hide it from myself.....because if I did...I wouldn't be helping. It feels like I would be turning my back on them...and myself really. I learn from the newly diagnosed families as well. I learn by helping them and offering my support, that I am in fact strengthening my own family. By listening to them, offering whatever help I can....I am learning how to appreciate how far we have come. I see those days where I fell down...flat on my face...defeated...discouraged. I see those days where it felt like the tears would never stop falling from my eyes. I see those days where I thought my heart was ripped from my chest. I see those days where I was so overwhelmed with the insanity of it all....that I thought there was no point in even trying to win.

I see those days where I finally learned that it's not about "winning"....or "losing"....but it is about the's about trying. It's about trying your best even when you feel like your best is not enough. It's about trying...even when you feel like you have absolutely nothing left inside of you to try with. It's about knowing that when you are feeling broken down...battered and bruised....that you must pick yourself up, dust yourself off, lean on a friend when you have to, and take another step. It's about having the courage and the belief in yourself to just....keep...moving. It's about learning...and trying...and giving every last ounce of yourself...because when all is said and done...that's really all we can do.

To all of those newly diagnosed families out there, I am going to let you in on a little secret. Are you ready? Listen carefully....and believe this with all of your heart...because it's true.

You will make mistakes. You will. We all do. There is not a Mom or Dad out there that is a perfect pancreas for their child. You will make do not beat yourself up for doing so. Instead, be PROUD of yourself for making them. (i know...i know...WHAT? seriously?) proud of yourself for every single mistake you make...little or big....because they have all taught you something....they have all made you a better D-Mom or D-Dad. Don't let the fear win. Your fear does NOT deserve the time or the energy. Trust yourself. Believe in yourself. Know that you are the best person in the world for this job of being your child's pancreas. There is no one on the planet that could do it better. YOU are the one....and YOU can do it. Believe that.

Believe it and just keep trying.

Saturday, December 8, 2012

I am not like you....not even close

Sometimes when i am in a group of people, out in public, I feel alone. Sometimes when i am with friends who are also parents, i feel like i can't relate. Sometimes when I am sitting on the floor in the hallway at gymnastics class, and I hear other parents talking about their they are exhausted from being up all night because their little one was makes me feel like crying. Sometimes when i hear them complain about how they feel judged by their child's teacher on the foods they send to school with them, it makes me want to laugh. I want to stand up and say, "really?? you feel judged?...huh...." Sometimes when i sit here on the cold tile floor, and I hear all of this chatter going on around me....all of this normal chatter....all of the things that I would probably be talking about too if diabetes wasn't in our lives...all of life's mundane typical problems....i feel like i could just close my eyes...and fade away into nothing...and no one would even notice. Sometimes I feel jealous. Sometimes i feel a red hot firey jealousy burning in my gut as I stare at the floor....thinking why me....why us...why not them? Sometimes i look at their kids....their kids who look just like my kid on the outside...aside from the fact that mine has a pretty pink pump resting in her pretty pink heart pump pouch around her waist....they look the same. Except my kid has a vital organ in her body that attacked itself and killed off the things that make it possible for it to do its job. MY kid has an enormous amount of weight to carry around all kid has to think twice before putting any food or drink in her mouth. MY kid has to push some buttons on her pump in order to eat or drink anything. MY kid has to do the job of her pancreas. MY kid....not theirs. I get jealous and i hate being jealous.
Sometimes I feel guilty for having these thoughts. How could I wish that diabetes had affected someone elses child and not mine? I feel horrible for having that thought....i do...because i don't wish this disease on anyone...its a life of insanity really. Sometimes i feel like a horrble human being for having this bad thoughts.....but i cant help it....they are thoughts that run through my head sometimes....even after 4 years.
And before you think to yourself, it could be worse Amy...stop feeling sorry for yourself...stop could be worse! Your child could have been diagnosed with cancer....your child could have died! Count your blessings! Everyone has their own cross to carry! Before you say those things to me........stop.....because i have heard them all......and I KNOW you are could be worse....i KNOW this. That fact does not make these thoughts leave my head or the jealousy leave my heart in moments of weakness. I KNOW it could be worse. Because of insulin....i can keep my child alive. Because of her pump....she can have a lot of her freedom back. Because we are able to count carbs and do the math and enter info and guess and try and learn......she is alive.
Diabetes is NOT easy though....and telling me that it could be worse does not make it any better. My child could still any point during the day or night....she could die. I could make a mistake counting...she could make a mistake pushing buttons on her pump....her pump could malfunction.....and she could die. She could silently slip away from me in the night from a severe low blood sugar that i didnt catch because sleep overtook me and i couldnt fight to keep my eyes open anymore.....and i could awaken in the morning to find her dead.
She could any given moment...on any given day....for any given reason....she could DIE.
Diabetes is not easy. It's not something that will ever be easy. It will never get to a point where she will have stable consistant numbers all day everyday. It just won't. It's the nature of the beast.
So, I am allowed my moment of moment of moment of moment of pity. I am allowed to feel the feelings that i feel. I do not want your comfort or your consoling. I simply want to let my feelings out into the air around me so they will stop clouding my mind, my heart, and my spirit.

Thursday, December 6, 2012

I AM doing this

So i've thought about it for what feels like years. I've come up with excuse after excuse to not do it. I am a pretty good arguer too...wait is that a word?...arguer?...whatever, it is now. Anyway, I would convince myself with excuses...there's not enough time, there's too much going on, it's too hard, you don't get enough sleep...wouldnt you rather spend your free time napping? I can't...I'm ok...I'm still young...I don't need to worry about that stuff yet.
Well, 3 days ago....I finally was able to shut up that nagging arguer. I shut her up and I did it. I went out and bought a workout DVD....Jillian Michaels Extreme Shed to be exact.....and I started to work out. I made a promise to myself to do this every weekday. I will give myself weekends off...but every weekday, I will be sweating my booty off and cursing at Jillian through the TV.
I decided that through all of this stress and this insanity that comes with parenting a child with diabetes...I often forget about myself. I forget about making sure I eat right...about making sure I am healthy...hell, sometimes I even forget if I have put deodorant on in the morning! I need to think about me for a change. It's time. How can I expect to be a good pancreas to my daughter, if I am not healhty? How can I expect to be a good Mom to my daughter, if I am not healthy? I can''s impossible. So, I am doing this. I am taking baby steps and trying to think of me. Yes, it hurts...yes I am still hating every minute of the pain and the sweat...yes, i almost cried yesterday when I went to the drive thru bank machine and had to reach out the window to put my card in...because the stretching of my arm hurt so much. But, I am doing this. I am and there is nothing....absolutely nothing that will stop me.
Through my aching muscles, I have learned something. I have learned that I CAN do this...I CAN shut up that nagging voice in my head that has a million excuses not to. I CAN do this and I AM doing this. The reason why?.....BECAUSE I am a D-Mom. I have endured an unbelievable amount of stress and strain and worry and anger and obstacles and ignorance and exhaustion and pain because of diabetes. I have endured it.....

and I'm still here.

I can do this. I will do this. I AM doing this.

The world on a pin

It's like trying to balance the entire world on the end of a pin
a razor sharp gleaming pin
flashing across your vision
threatening to pierce all that you know...all that you are...all that you love
deflating the mere existence of your surroundings
air rushing out past your face
with the stench of defeat filling your nose
leaving you breathless and somehow longing for more
teetering on that miniscule edge
struggling to find that balance
that magical point where everything seems to fit
where everything seems solid...and there
will you ever find that point?
will you ever stumble across it and finally be able to
breathe again?
or will you be trapped in a never ending side show...
stuck trying to juggle your chainsaws and feathers
as you stare at the moonlight shining off your pin
and watch your world roll off into the darkness?

Monday, December 3, 2012

The secret lies within carrots!!

Let's talk carrots, shall we?
When I was a little girl back in the olden know...the days of the cool wood panel sided table top PacMan game in the local Pizza Hut, the stirrup pants lovin...banana clip wearing...jelly bracelet stylin...holdin hands on the roller rink while "Take My Breath Away" blasted from the speakers? Yea, I'm an 80's child.
Anyhoo, back when I was a little girl, my Mom always told me that carrots were good for my eye sight. I believed her wholeheartedly...I mean why would I doubt?....she's my Mom. I would stand at the garbage bin and peel carrots like nobody's business...sprinkle salt on it...and crunch away...fully imagining my eyes gaining strength and my vision rivaling that of Superman with each bite.
Fast forward 27 years....I have awful vision...I wear glasses all day every day...without them I would probably spend the majority of my time walking into walls and mistaking strangers for my friends and family. So, either I am some sort of anomaly....or my mother lied to me just so I would eat all the carrots on my dinner plate. The jury is still out on that one.
Rewind 4 1/2 years....the day of Emma's diagnosis. We were sitting in that little hospital room trying to absorb what the doctor just told us...our daughter has type 1 diabetes. I struggled to maintain some sort of grip on reality as I watched my then 4 year old daughter play with the bubble wrap covering the floor...the bubble wrap that the receptionist laid out for her to play with and jump on while we waited in that little room. I watched her and tried to figure out how in the heck I was going to explain to her what had happened...what would now be our life....her life...until a cure was found. I tried to pull the right words out of my head to make my 4 year old daughter make it not sting so much to know that she would have to have multiple needles every single day...multiple needles jabbed into her tiny little perfectly unblemished fingertips. I struggled knowing that she was so much would she really understand...would she even know what i was talking about...did I even know what I was talking about? I pulled her into my lap and I did what I usually do....I opened my mouth and let the words flow straight from my heart. I told her that she has diabetes now....but it would be ok....all it meant was that we had to pay close attention to her body and what she eats now more so than ever. I told her about the needles of course...and she cried of course...and I tried to lighten the mood of course...and I tried to fix it of course. Naively and ignorantly on my part because we had yet gone to meet the dietician at that point, I told her that it meant we would just have to eat better carrots.
Damn those carrots.
I told her that we would have more snacks that were good for our bodies....snacks like carrots.
For whatever reason, carrots seem to effect my life in the weirdest way. How wonderful would it be to have carrots be somehow remotely related to a cure for diabetes.......I can see the headlines now......Cure for diabetes discovered!! Secret lies within carrots!!........I would definitely forgive carrots for letting me down on the good vision thing if that was the case.

The fine art of guessing

It's kind of funny how diabetes will show it's ugly face when I am not ready for it. Not funny "ha ha"...but funny...weird. I took Emma to a birthday party for her friend this afternoon. It was at the movie theater actually and we got to see "Rise of the Guardians." (very good movie, by the way!)
Before the movie started, the group of girls were all standing huddled together near the snack counter. The theater employee was writing down all of the orders that the girls wanted so she could gather everything up for them in time. I stood there off to the side, smiling at their giggling and little girl chatter. It makes me happy to see Emma with her friends. It makes me happy to see her in a situation that is a normal kid situation. Sometimes it catches me off guard really...I forget that diabetes is always along for the ride. I know that must sound could I forget that diabetes is there? I honestly don't know. It's been over 4 years though...and I think that I work so hard at making sure she gets to live a typical kid life...that sometimes I forget that diabetes is there.
So, the theater employee asked the girls to raise their hand if they wanted a slushie to drink during the movie. Every girl's hand shot straight into the air..........including Emma's. Every girl shouted "me! me! me!"....including Emma. I don't usually buy Emma regular slushies because there are actually Crystal Light versions of them out at the store that are MUCH less carbs and thus a whole lot easier to manage blood sugars with for me. Emma actually prefers the Crystal Light version to be honest...she thinks they taste better. SO, I have zero experience in regular experience in knowing how many carbs are in experience in knowing how they will affect Emma in particular. So, needless to say...when I saw her hand in the air like almost made me cry. Diabetes showed it's ugly face. There was my daughter, with a group of her friends....wanting to be included and have the same things they were all having...and the only thing different is that she has diabetes....and the other girls don't. Every fiber of my being wanted her to change her mind. Every fiber of my being wanted her to say, "wait! can i have diet coke instead?" Every fiber of my being wanted to make this work. I wanted to kick diabetes to the curb and know the carb count and know how it would affect her body and bolus her accordingly and make it work. I wanted to make it work. I wanted her to have that slushie and be a kid.
So, I did the only thing I know how to do.....I guessed.
To those that don't live this diabeteic life, I want you to know what that means. I guessed on how many carbs where in that slushie. I guessed. I took into consideration the amount of activity she had, the amount she would probably be having after the movie, the fact that she was also having popcorn, what her current blood sugar was, the fact that she was going to have pizza, juice, and a cupcake, and candy afterwards. I had to take into consideration the fact that it was rainy and dreary out, that she didnt have an overly active weekend beforehand because gymnastics class doesnt start until next weekend. I had to take into consideration the fact that she wasn't going to be sitting near me in the darkened theater. There would be many kids sitting in between us. I had to think about whether or not she would feel a low blood sugar while in that darkened theater...whether she would get up and tell me. There are a million things that I had to think about in that moment of time. I considered them all in a matter of seconds...
and I guessed.
The magnitude of the pressure put on my ability at guessing is unreal. My guess could in all honesty be a life or death decision. I guess all the time. I play my own warped diabetes version of Russian Roulette with my daughter. It's a sad fact.....but it is just that...a fact.
My shoulders sometimes slump from the weight of that pressure....but I still do it...because I have to...I don't have a choice.
So, I guessed today.....and I guessed wrong....I should have given her more insulin than I did...but now I know...and the great thing about diabetes is....we get to try all over again tomorrow.

FYI, she enjoyed every...last....drop....of that slushie.

Saturday, December 1, 2012

A 2:00am moment of weakness

Sometimes I feel like I am stuck in a timewarp. Stuck being someone that I don't want to be. Stuck being someone that I have been forced to be.
Sometimes I feel like I lost myself along the way and I am this new...different...version of myself. I miss that old me. I want to turn back and search the path for her. I want a chance to be her again. I want a chance to be her for just one more day.
Sometimes I feel like I am stuck in this never ending continuous loop of life. A life that I didn't choose...but a life that a series of events and choices that I did make have led me to. I wish I could slam my palms down on the table and make the spinning stop.
Sometimes I feel like I don't make sense. I feel like I don't make sense even to myself. I feel like if I were to even try to begin to explain the fire behind my eyes and the words that do manage to escape...that no one will get it anyway so whats the point...why bother.
Sometimes I feel like I give and give and give and one of these days that I am going to run out of myself.
I miss the old me. I wish I could be her again...see her eyes again...see the innocent spark...the naive light that resides within. Sometimes....just sometimes...even after all of these years...I wish that I could wake up one morning and see that this was all a dream...a didnt really happen...we didnt really live it...
Sometimes I feel like if I don't put on this happy smiley face for people that I will be letting them down. I feel like if I dont remain positive for them that I will let them down. I feel like if I don't do everything in my power to boost their confidence...make them feel like they can do this too...that I will be failing.
I'm not necessarily afraid of failing....but more so afraid of failing because i didn't try hard enough.
Sometimes I wish it could just be a little easier...a little more quiet inside my head...a little more sane.
I miss my innocent sanity.
I miss moments of not caring...moments where I didn't think about anything in particular...moments of quiet.
Sometimes I miss the old me a lot.