Saturday, December 1, 2012

A 2:00am moment of weakness

Sometimes I feel like I am stuck in a timewarp. Stuck being someone that I don't want to be. Stuck being someone that I have been forced to be.
Sometimes I feel like I lost myself along the way and I am this new...different...version of myself. I miss that old me. I want to turn back and search the path for her. I want a chance to be her again. I want a chance to be her for just one more day.
Sometimes I feel like I am stuck in this never ending continuous loop of life. A life that I didn't choose...but a life that a series of events and choices that I did make have led me to. I wish I could slam my palms down on the table and make the spinning stop.
Sometimes I feel like I don't make sense. I feel like I don't make sense even to myself. I feel like if I were to even try to begin to explain the fire behind my eyes and the words that do manage to escape...that no one will get it anyway so whats the point...why bother.
Sometimes I feel like I give and give and give and one of these days that I am going to run out of myself.
I miss the old me. I wish I could be her again...see her eyes again...see the innocent spark...the naive light that resides within. Sometimes....just sometimes...even after all of these years...I wish that I could wake up one morning and see that this was all a dream...a didnt really happen...we didnt really live it...
Sometimes I feel like if I don't put on this happy smiley face for people that I will be letting them down. I feel like if I dont remain positive for them that I will let them down. I feel like if I don't do everything in my power to boost their confidence...make them feel like they can do this too...that I will be failing.
I'm not necessarily afraid of failing....but more so afraid of failing because i didn't try hard enough.
Sometimes I wish it could just be a little easier...a little more quiet inside my head...a little more sane.
I miss my innocent sanity.
I miss moments of not caring...moments where I didn't think about anything in particular...moments of quiet.
Sometimes I miss the old me a lot.

1 comment:

  1. Couldn't have said it better myself!

    So many times, more often in the wee hours ;), I wonder where the 'good old days' have gone. It usually hits me during those 2am BG checks because I miss the times when I could just peek in and make sure the girls were covered with their blankets if I happened to wake up to pee.

    HUGS!! now get your butt in bed! ;)