Sometimes when i am in a group of people, out in public, I feel alone. Sometimes when i am with friends who are also parents, i feel like i can't relate. Sometimes when I am sitting on the floor in the hallway at gymnastics class, and I hear other parents talking about their children....how they are exhausted from being up all night because their little one was coughing....it makes me feel like crying. Sometimes when i hear them complain about how they feel judged by their child's teacher on the foods they send to school with them, it makes me want to laugh. I want to stand up and say, "really?? you feel judged?...huh...." Sometimes when i sit here on the cold tile floor, and I hear all of this chatter going on around me....all of this normal chatter....all of the things that I would probably be talking about too if diabetes wasn't in our lives...all of life's mundane typical problems....i feel like i could just close my eyes...and fade away into nothing...and no one would even notice. Sometimes I feel jealous. Sometimes i feel a red hot firey jealousy burning in my gut as I stare at the floor....thinking why me....why us...why not them? Sometimes i look at their kids....their kids who look just like my kid on the outside...aside from the fact that mine has a pretty pink pump resting in her pretty pink heart pump pouch around her waist....they look the same. Except my kid has a vital organ in her body that attacked itself and killed off the things that make it possible for it to do its job. MY kid has an enormous amount of weight to carry around all day....my kid has to think twice before putting any food or drink in her mouth. MY kid has to push some buttons on her pump in order to eat or drink anything. MY kid has to do the job of her pancreas. MY kid....not theirs. I get jealous and i hate being jealous.
Sometimes I feel guilty for having these thoughts. How could I wish that diabetes had affected someone elses child and not mine? I feel horrible for having that thought....i do...because i don't wish this disease on anyone...its a life of insanity really. Sometimes i feel like a horrble human being for having this bad thoughts.....but i cant help it....they are thoughts that run through my head sometimes....even after 4 years.
And before you think to yourself, it could be worse Amy...stop feeling sorry for yourself...stop complaining...it could be worse! Your child could have been diagnosed with cancer....your child could have died! Count your blessings! Everyone has their own cross to carry! Before you say those things to me........stop.....because i have heard them all......and I KNOW you are right...it could be worse....i KNOW this. That fact does not make these thoughts leave my head or the jealousy leave my heart in moments of weakness. I KNOW it could be worse. Because of insulin....i can keep my child alive. Because of her pump....she can have a lot of her freedom back. Because we are able to count carbs and do the math and enter info and guess and try and learn......she is alive.
Diabetes is NOT easy though....and telling me that it could be worse does not make it any better. My child could still die........at any point during the day or night....she could die. I could make a mistake counting...she could make a mistake pushing buttons on her pump....her pump could malfunction.....and she could die. She could silently slip away from me in the night from a severe low blood sugar that i didnt catch because sleep overtook me and i couldnt fight to keep my eyes open anymore.....and i could awaken in the morning to find her dead.
She could DIE....at any given moment...on any given day....for any given reason....she could DIE.
Diabetes is not easy. It's not something that will ever be easy. It will never get to a point where she will have stable consistant numbers all day everyday. It just won't. It's the nature of the beast.
So, I am allowed my moment of jealousy...my moment of hatred...my moment of weakness...my moment of pity. I am allowed to feel the feelings that i feel. I do not want your comfort or your consoling. I simply want to let my feelings out into the air around me so they will stop clouding my mind, my heart, and my spirit.