It's kind of funny how diabetes will show it's ugly face when I am not ready for it. Not funny "ha ha"...but funny...weird. I took Emma to a birthday party for her friend this afternoon. It was at the movie theater actually and we got to see "Rise of the Guardians." (very good movie, by the way!)
Before the movie started, the group of girls were all standing huddled together near the snack counter. The theater employee was writing down all of the orders that the girls wanted so she could gather everything up for them in time. I stood there off to the side, smiling at their giggling and little girl chatter. It makes me happy to see Emma with her friends. It makes me happy to see her in a situation that is a normal kid situation. Sometimes it catches me off guard really...I forget that diabetes is always along for the ride. I know that must sound odd...how could I forget that diabetes is there? I honestly don't know. It's been over 4 years though...and I think that I work so hard at making sure she gets to live a typical kid life...that sometimes I forget that diabetes is there.
So, the theater employee asked the girls to raise their hand if they wanted a slushie to drink during the movie. Every girl's hand shot straight into the air..........including Emma's. Every girl shouted "me! me! me!"....including Emma. I don't usually buy Emma regular slushies because there are actually Crystal Light versions of them out at the store that are MUCH less carbs and thus a whole lot easier to manage blood sugars with for me. Emma actually prefers the Crystal Light version to be honest...she thinks they taste better. SO, I have zero experience in regular slushies...zero experience in knowing how many carbs are in them...zero experience in knowing how they will affect Emma in particular. So, needless to say...when I saw her hand in the air like that....it almost made me cry. Diabetes showed it's ugly face. There was my daughter, with a group of her friends....wanting to be included and have the same things they were all having...and the only thing different is that she has diabetes....and the other girls don't. Every fiber of my being wanted her to change her mind. Every fiber of my being wanted her to say, "wait! can i have diet coke instead?" Every fiber of my being wanted to make this work. I wanted to kick diabetes to the curb and know the carb count and know how it would affect her body and bolus her accordingly and make it work. I wanted to make it work. I wanted her to have that slushie and be a kid.
So, I did the only thing I know how to do.....I guessed.
To those that don't live this diabeteic life, I want you to know what that means. I guessed on how many carbs where in that slushie. I guessed. I took into consideration the amount of activity she had, the amount she would probably be having after the movie, the fact that she was also having popcorn, what her current blood sugar was, the fact that she was going to have pizza, juice, and a cupcake, and candy afterwards. I had to take into consideration the fact that it was rainy and dreary out, that she didnt have an overly active weekend beforehand because gymnastics class doesnt start until next weekend. I had to take into consideration the fact that she wasn't going to be sitting near me in the darkened theater. There would be many kids sitting in between us. I had to think about whether or not she would feel a low blood sugar while in that darkened theater...whether she would get up and tell me. There are a million things that I had to think about in that moment of time. I considered them all in a matter of seconds...
and I guessed.
The magnitude of the pressure put on my ability at guessing is unreal. My guess could in all honesty be a life or death decision. I guess all the time. I play my own warped diabetes version of Russian Roulette with my daughter. It's a sad fact.....but it is just that...a fact.
My shoulders sometimes slump from the weight of that pressure....but I still do it...because I have to...I don't have a choice.
So, I guessed today.....and I guessed wrong....I should have given her more insulin than I did...but now I know...and the great thing about diabetes is....we get to try all over again tomorrow.
FYI, she enjoyed every...last....drop....of that slushie.