Tuesday, September 27, 2011

My diabetes map

This is going to seem like I spend entirely too much time at Walmart....which i suppose that I really do to be honest...but in any case, I thought I would share something that happened yesterday. I had to run out and grab a couple of things from the store, so I dropped Emma back off at school after lunch and made my way over to Walmart. As I pulled into the parking lot, I started to think about our experience the other night...the scary low...the panic in Emma's eyes....and my heart began to pound once again even though she was not with me. I have written before about how I find it strange that since diabetes came into our lives, I can drive around town doing errands or going to our usual places, and it's sort of like a diabetes road map for me. I see the park where Emma went low and had to take a pause and drink juice. I see the McDonald's where she had a belly ache and tested and came up with a 26.1 BG....I see the public pool where she got a nasty stomach virus and almost got sick in the pool. Now I guess I can add Walmart parking lot to the map....add it on my list of diabetic memories around town. I wonder how long it will be before I stop doing that. Will I continue to add these points around town to the mental map that I carry around with me wherever I go until a cure is found?
This most recent addition to the map seems to be the most difficult one for me to handle though. Maybe because it's still so new...so recent...so scary. Will I always drive past that particular parking space and get that sick feeling of panic in my gut? Will my hands continue to shake...remembering...knowing that things could have ended completely differently than they actually did? Will the wave of nausea ever stop hitting me as I walk by that spot and know that we were trapped in that bubble of diabetic existance for a brief moment in time? Will I ever forget?
Even though I wish that I could forget, I think maybe it's a good thing that I probably won't...
Maybe that point on my diabetes mental map will serve a purpose. Maybe it will stick around to remind me of how lucky we are....how each moment in our lives together are fleeting and precious...how I need to recognize that horrible awful things could happen at any given moment and I need to accept that...but not let it run our lives...don't let it become the focus...don't let it ruin all of the other moments. Because those moments are what's most important...those moments are the bright shining neon lighted locations on my map.

1 comment:

  1. (((HUGS))) I think I used to have a "diabetes map" so-to-speak. It seems to have diminished with time.