Ever since I was little, I was never and fan of math...or numbers...or anything of the sort. I have always been a "word" girl. I love the creative side of life. So, I find it quite ironic that I now have to deal with math on a daily basis. Counting carbs in the food that goes in Emma's mouth, figuring out insulin to carb ratios, basal settings, insulin on board...it's enough to make my poor math hating brain scream "Serenity now!" a la George Costanza from Seinfeld.
Anyway, it has me thinking though...why do we put so much emphasis and concern into the NUMBER? Why do we have a tendency to beat ourselves up when the meter shows us a number that isn't really what we were hoping for or expecting? Why do we feel like we have failed the proverbial mid-term when we get a higher a1C test result? It's enough to bring on the "serenity now!" mantra again. I don't enjoy putting so much emphasis on a number. I don't want to give it that much power over me. I don't want to put this added pressure on myself to get that perfect number when I know that there is no such thing as perfection and I will never achieve it. It's like a constant never ending set up for failure...and it makes it all the more pain-in-the-ass-ish because I KNOW that I will never reach that perfect number combination and yet I still expect to. I must be a glutten for punishment, because really....who else does that? Who would knowingly hop on board the setting yourself up for failure and disappointement train every single day?...ugh...it's ridiculous.
I find myself wanting to hide the result the meter shows me when we are out in public. I don't want to see the judging eyes or hear myself sputter out an explanation (wild ass guess) on why this particular non-perfect number appeared. I don't hide it because I am embarassed or ashamed of my failure at perfection...I don't hide it at all really...I just sometimes want to hide it to avoid that whole 10 seconds of explanation.
To make a long story short....Numbers, my friend? not really...never have been...never will be