Today was one of those days where I felt like I might as well have just been banging my head against the wall. Frustration, despair, anger....all rolled up into a tight little ball...hung out in my brain all day long. It all started around 3:00 this morning...I woke up from one of diabetic narcolepsy situations on the couch. I vividly remembered laying there channel surfing...blinked my eyes...and then I was out like a light. Anyway, I sat bolt upright in a complete panic...the first thoughts to shoot through my still dreaming semi-conscious brain was of course...as always...diabetes. I tried to remember when the last time was that I checked Emma's blood sugar. It was like trying to organize and shuffle the world's largest deck of cards that had been tossed in the air in the middle of a hurricane and float around landing where they may. I literally shook my head and got my wits about me and made my way upstairs to check on her. I was greeted with a not so pleasant high number, so I gave a correction and made my way to my own bed to sleep the rest of the wee hours of the morning away.
Once she awoke for breakfast, she was still high...so I made the executive decision to do a site change...it was time anyway, so i thought let's just do it now. As I was pushing the little blue plunger on the cartridge preparing it to put the insulin in, I happened to notice that it was a bit more resistant to my pushes than normal. Well, I filed that away in my mind and for some reason continued on about my business of changing the site. I should have never ignored that little voice in my head...I should have given it a bullhorn and let it shout...because that split second occurance of my morning routine caused me an entire day of frustration. I should have listened...I shouldn't have filed it away. Emma was high ALL day long...not just a little bit high....a lot high...the entire day...i kept correcting, doing temp basal increases, drinking water, checking for ketones....over and over all day long. I changed the site once again...and still high. To make a long unpleasant story short...I phoned the nurse and changed the cartridge...new insulin...new everything...and I phoned Animas to troubleshoot the problem too. We all came to the conclusion that it must have been the cartridge...it was faulty...because it was so sticky and resistant to movement, Emma hadn't been getting any (or very little anyway) of her basal all day. Spectacular....Mother/pancreas of the Year award goes to...........NOT me!
The corrections started to work. The blood sugar came down...rapidly....scary. Emma felt nauseous...she was pale...dark circles under her eyes...she was scared again....feeling low. I was still keeping close eye on her blood sugars...and finally got them down where they belong. It was totally and completely exhausting for the both of us.
I hate moments like those...seeing her sit there in the bathroom leaning over the toilet...feeling awful...not from an actual tummy bug or virus...but because of diabetes. I could see that bastard diabetes monster standing right behind her....laughing through an evil smirk...cackling in it's horrific voice...mocking my child...pushing her and shoving her trying to beat her...glaring down upon her casting it's evil shadow over her small body. I could see it. It hurt my heart...it crushed me. I hate what it does to my daughter. I hate how it is always there...never leaving...stealing moments of her life that should be fun...moments that should be good...moments that should be specially saved for sweet kids like herself. I hate the never ending-ness of this. I like to think that I am a strong willed person. I like to think that I can do anything I set my mind to if I simply want it bad enough...but the never ending daunting day and night moment by moment, month after month, year after year...well sometimes it honestly just gets to me. I am allowed to feel this daunting negative emotion...I've earned that right over the past 3+ years. I know we came out of this round probably unscathed (although who knows what sort of damage was done to her body in the process...complications down the road will only tell if they do in fact occur). I know that the sun will come out again tomorrow. I know that it will be a new day and I can turn the page...close this chapter of today....yada yada yada....i know all of this. Howeverm at this moment in time...I just want to sit and wallow in my despair for a minute...soak it up...let it wash over me...letting me feel validated...letting me feel that any and all emotions I feel that are a result of my job as a pancreas to my child...that they are ok...it's ok for me to feel that way...it's ok for me to sit in this pool of mucky cloudy despair for right now. I know I will plant my feet firmly beneath me again eventually...I will stand back up...I will climb out...and I will begin again....but for now, I just need a minute to breathe it in.