I was thinking about what it means to be a Mom...about what it means to be a Mom of a child with diabetes. Seeing as how Emma is my only child, I often wonder what it would be like to actually be a Mom to a non-diabetic. I wonder about how much easier it would be. I wonder if I would be a different kind of Mom if Emma wasn't diabetic. I'm not sure that I would have as much patience as I do. I'm not sure that I would be as understanding as I am. I don't know that I would be able to easily communicate with people...be it complete strangers that I am educating about diabetes, or newly diagnosed families, or people in the community that I am asking to support finding a cure, or even my own daughter. I am not sure that I would be able to communicate with her as well as I do now. I don't know that we would be as close as we are. Together we have been through hell and back quite a few times, but we have also shared countless triumphs and joys.
I do believe that things happen for a reason. I know that I was put on this Earth to be Emma's Mommy. She was made for me and I was made to be there for her. Sometimes I will look at her and I get this overwhelming feeling...she is very much the other half of my heart.
Being the Mom of a diabetic child is hard. I doubt myself constantly. I stress and worry about blood sugars. I lose sleep to make sure that she will make it through the night. I try to learn as much about this disease as possible. I try to keep her as healthy as possible. I want a cure. Sometimes I feel like I am also the Mom to diabetes itself. A lot of times, to try and express my feelings and thoughts, I picture diabetes as this living real life thing...usually looking like a monster. I even sat down and wrote it a letter once. It's kind of like I got a two for one deal in the Mom department. Yes, I did get to experience diabetes-free Mommy-hood for the first 4 years, but ever since that diagnoses day...it's kind of like I have this one sweet, caring, and beautiful daughter.....and I also have this one evil-doing, no good, tantrum-throwing, crazy child named Diabetes, as well.
I've read all the parenting books and magazines. I've researched on the old world wide web. I've even considered phoning "Super Nanny" on tv to get her advice on where to put my crazy child, Diabetes, when it is acting up. Is there some sort of "naughty stool" or "time out step" I can get? How about some sort of fancy colorful poster I can hang on the wall to reward it with stickers when it gives me nice blood sugars and behaves?
In any case, I am greatful that I am a Mommy. I love my daughter with my whole heart and soul. I would do absolutely anything for her. My goal starting today is to try and remember to live in the moment more. I want to savour each individual special moment with Emma before she is grown and out living her own life. I want to take a time out and focus on the seemingly little things in life. I hope you all had a Happy Mother's Day today and got to enjoy some special time with your kiddos. I hope that diabetes played nice for you and good blood sugars were had all around.