I just went to check on Emma's blood sugar while she was sleeping because I have been having an issue with high numbers at night. For the life of me, I could not figure out why they were occuring...until I posted it on a diabetes group on Facebook and found some answers. My Sherlock Holmes detective skills brought me to the conclusion that these numbers were occuring a couple of hours after bath time. I thought maybe the fact that I was actually disconnecting her from the pump during the bath was causing the problem? Nope...the fabulous ladies on Facebook brought me new insight....it all boils down to that little clippy thing that comes with the infusion sets. Apparantly when the nurse told me to plug that little clippy thing into her sight when I disconnect her at bath time.....I was sleeping...or daydreaming...or maybe crazy pump lady Flo was in the driver's seat for that moment? Yep...so water was getting in there...causing the issue. I'm a dork. Now I know though!
Anyway, as I stood there checking her blood sugar tonight...meter and lancet in my hands...neon pink lady bug lantern turned on and hanging from my mouth to shed some light on the task at hand....I couldn't help but stare at her. Sure I look at her all the time during the day, but it isn't so often that I actually look at her while she is sleeping. Usually I am busy concentrating on not waking her up during the night, or staring at the meter as it counts down while I hold my breath waiting for a good number so I can sleep, or keeping a look out at the bedroom door so the cat doesn't sneak in and try to sleep with Emma (I don't trust it in the bedroom because Emma also has a fish tank in there and would be heartbroken if Daisy decided to have a little midnight snack of the fish variety).
So, I got a decent number from the meter and I stood there looking at her. She looked so peaceful...so beautiful...hand protectively placed over her pump. I am amazed at how attached she has become to it. I was so worried that she would want to take it off after a couple of days. It was eating me up inside. I was afraid that she would not be comfortable sleeping with it and not think it was worth the struggle. I stood there tonight looking at her and really truly seeing how amazing she is. I remembered standing in that very spot watching her sleep when she was just a tiny baby. Sometimes I wish I could go back and tell that version of me to linger just a little bit longer...kiss her sweet baby fresh smelling head a couple more times...enjoy the soft squishy cuddles and giggles for just a few more minutes...take more pictures to remember the little moments. I miss that tiny version of her. I miss that innocent diabetes free version of her. I miss the little moments. It went by way too fast. She had to grow up way too fast.
So, I let myself feel sad for the loss of that version of us for just a minute...I let myself be sad at how different we are now...I let myself be sad for just a minute at how quickly time passes and how fast she is growing up. Just for a minute. That's all I needed....because as I turned to leave the room....she tooted....lololol....and smiled in her sleep.....and I was brought back to reality...I LOVE how Emma is...I love how funny (fart and potty humor and all!!) she is now and how smart she is...how sweet and caring...how kind and wonderful. I know that those days of her being my tiny baby all played a part in making her who she is today. I wouldn't trade that time for anything...