Friday, May 6, 2011

I tried my best...but being a pancreas is hard

This afternoon at Emma's school they had a carnival with lots of games, treats, prizes, and even a fire truck and police car. As usual, I was there. Don't get me wrong...I love going to Emma's school events and I love getting the chance to see her there. There are times though where I would just like the option of staying home. Just being able to have that choice would be nice. One more thing in the long list of stuff that diabetes has taken from me. I would have actually liked to stay home today because I currently have an ear infection and a chest infection. I have been coughing like a 90 year old man for the past 2 days. I am on antibiotics and I have an inhaler, but I would really have loved to just laid down in bed...closed my eyes...and slept the afternoon away.
Anyway, enough about me...I went to the school when the carnival was scheduled to start and made my way to her classroom. The kids were all lined up clutching their bags with their bright orange carnival tickets inside. Emma was very proud of herself earlier that afternoon because apparantly her teacher had asked her to help count out the tickets for everyone because she knew that Emma was very responsible. Anyhoo, Emma was buddied up with another little girl in her class (and on a side note...Emma told me the other day out of the blue that this little girl hasn't pooped since last Friday....lolol...nice...good to know). I spent most of the time chasing after the girls as they ran from room to room looking to play games and spend their tickets to try and win prizes. Their first stop was a White Elephant sale (i had never heard of these things...maybe it's a Canadian thing? I live in Canada now, but I'm actually American). Emma had her heart set on buying a stuffed animal monkey that she had noticed earlier in the day. The line was majorly long and we had to wait for quite a while to even get in the door. As we walked in, I noticed a little boy from Emma's class holding the last 3 monkeys in his hands and paying for them with his tickets. Needless to say, Emma was pretty bummed out. She is obsessed with monkeys. She LOVES them and had been talking all day about getting one. The little boy who bought them is actually Emma's boyfriend apparantly...(can I get a collective awwwww! ) He really is the sweetest little boy I have ever met. Emma and I have been over to his house one time actually and he was having so much fun playing with Emma that rather than have Emma leave for supper...he asked me to show him how to give her her suppertime needle so she could stay. He thinks Emma is pretty and funny and really smart. Emma actually thinks the same things of this boy. I think it is adorable. Anyway, later on at the carnival Emma ran into this little boy and he pulled one of the monkeys out of his bag and gave it to Emma. He had a huge smile on his face and said that he bought it for her. (can I get another awwwwwww!)
So, it was clearly shaping up to be a great afternoon after that.....Until we went into the library where the bake sale was being held. Cookies, cakes, cupcakes, sweets covering a bunch of different tables set up around the room. I told Emma that she could pick one thing seeing as how it was actually snack time anyway...I know...not the healthiest of snacks....but I think it was ok...she needs to be a kid. She chose a average sized cupcake and I gave her a needle to cover it seeing as how I was sure the carbs would be more than her usual snack allowance. She ran off happily with her friend and shoved the chocolatey goodness into her mouth just like the rest of the kids. She had frosting and sprinkles all over her mouth and cheeks. It made my heart hurt to see, but it also made me smile if that makes ANY sense at all. I let her run around for about another hour to help burn off some of that cupcake and I figured that I should check her and see what was going on in the way of blood sugars. I checked and got a 16.4 (295)....crap. I gave her another needle to correct that...not as much as I normally would have cause I was afraid I would then be causing a low later on. It wound up working out in the long I suppose I shouldn't beat myself up over it. But it just pisses me off sometimes...I try so hard to get it right. I base my decisions on the current situation, past behavior, my Mommy instincts, how nice diabetes is being to us that day....I really truly think it out before I make a move....and it still comes back to bite me in the bum every once and a while. I hate it. It makes me want to throw my hands up in the air in defeat...but I can't. It makes me jealous of all the other parents walking around the carnival with their non-diabetic kids...and I despise being jealous. It makes me feel like a failure...even though I know diabetes rarely plays fair. It makes my whole self ache that my kid will have to deal with this until a cure is found...because I would give anything for it to be me instead. I tried...and today I failed...but I guess there will always be tomorrow to try again.


  1. Ah "FAILURE" you are NOT! I think it sounds like a wonderful day! That little boy sounds like a gem for sure...AND...a 295 post cupcake sounds totally normal. Don't beat yourself you said, being a pancreas is hard work sistah.

    Have a wonderful w/e and Mother's Day. I love reading about your closeness to Emma. I can sense it through your writing.

  2. I know what you mean about wanting to have a choice, but in the end, that day sounded awesome... and cupcakes are tough. PLUS you have to consider that some kids bg's rise during excitment.

    You did good mama :)

  3. So totally not a failure!! An 'oh, well; that could have gone better' sure, but in no way a failure!!
    We had a similar cupcake issue last night. I didn't do my normal carb count for it since Bean was running around like crazy, but wouldn't you know it she was still running a bit high before bed. Just another example of D not playing by the rules!!
    Hope today is a MUCH better day!! ((hugs!!))

  4. Don't let diabetes make you feel like a failure! It is obvious that you're a great mother!!!

    I, too, wish I had the option to stay home sometimes...not just with school, but with birthday parties, play dates, Cub Scout meetings and so on.