Thursday, May 26, 2011

Sometimes I know things....and other times I just walk into things

Sometimes I feel like a drill sargeant. Sometimes I feel like a broken record. Sometimes I feel like people expect me to be like the Encyclopedia Britannica Volume (D) for diabetes and know all there is to know. Sometimes I feel like I am running against the wind. (no idea why that song popped into my head!) Sometimes I feel like I worry too much. Sometimes I feel like I don't worry enough. Sometimes I feel like this is never going to end. Sometimes I feel like I'm all alone in a room full of strangers and I'm standing in a corner feeling like I don't belong. Sometimes I feel like I don't want to belong. Sometimes I feel like I have no room left in my head for any more diabetes stress. Sometimes I feel like I could go an entire day without even mentioning the word "diabetes" and be just fine with that. Sometimes I feel like I would love for the first thing people ask me about to NOT be about Emma's diabetes. Sometimes I wish people were more understanding of this disease and more willing to want to support us. Sometimes I wish I could know the right thing to say to make it all better. Sometimes I wish things were easier.

I know that I am not alone. I know that I don't know everything there is to know about diabetes and I probably never will. I know that I am thankful for the fact that life isn't easy because it keeps me on my toes and forces me to think in new ways. I know that no matter how exhausted I am, I will always do anything it takes for Emma. I know that I will never be able to make everyone understand that there is more to us than diabetes. I know that not everyone we meet is going to want to learn more than the basic ignorant knowledge of this disease. I know that I will never truly feel like I belong in a group of people who's lives are not affected in the same way as ours. I know that I will be ok. I know that Emma will be ok. I know that I can take things as they come and do my best. I know that if I were given the choice to do it all over again, I would. I know that even though we have come a long way on this path...there is still leaps and bounds to go before we reach that field of wildflowers together...standing there hand in hand...a cure before us. I know that we will get there. I know that is true not just because I am Emma's Mom and want it to be true...I know it because there is no way that someone as special as her would ever wind up with any outcome less than that.

I know that I am thankful for all of you. I know that you will always "get" me and "get" my life. I know that you will all be there for me as I will be there for you. I know that you will think there is probably something wrong with me or that maybe I am not feeling well if I don't share at least one humorous thing in this I will end this with a little snippit of my afternoon:

While walking up the street to pick Emma up from school this afternoon, I pulled my phone out of my pocket to check on the time. I was so focused on my phone that I narrowly missed walking full force into the back of a minivan....yep...SO close that I instinctively put my hands out in front of me and wound up giving the back of that van a little shove. Did I think that I could just shove it out of the way? Or was I trying to save my face from a full out impact with the back of a Mitsubishi Montana? Who least I didn't do this though!!


  1. You are so not alone! I have those "sometimes," too!

    I heard on the news that the lady who fell into the fountain did it on purpose to be able to sue the mall for money and to get some notoriety. Crazy, huh?!

    At least you weren't texting and driving!

  2. The nice thing about these blogs is it gives us a little peek into your thoughts and feelings, which also lets the rest of us know we're not alone!

  3. Yep, what Valerie said. It is nice to know I am not alone. Thank you for writing!

  4., too!!
    I know...ditto!!

    Loved the story...I've had some close calls, too. We are all so not alone!! :)

  5. lol a few weeks ago i had on a hot pair of heals, and i tripped over...skinned my knees. if only i slept more, i could pick up my feet a little. im back into flats...cannot risk being out of action over a pair of heals. hope you are getting some rest since the pump start.