Sometimes I feel like a drill sargeant. Sometimes I feel like a broken record. Sometimes I feel like people expect me to be like the Encyclopedia Britannica Volume (D) for diabetes and know all there is to know. Sometimes I feel like I am running against the wind. (no idea why that song popped into my head!) Sometimes I feel like I worry too much. Sometimes I feel like I don't worry enough. Sometimes I feel like this is never going to end. Sometimes I feel like I'm all alone in a room full of strangers and I'm standing in a corner feeling like I don't belong. Sometimes I feel like I don't want to belong. Sometimes I feel like I have no room left in my head for any more diabetes stress. Sometimes I feel like I could go an entire day without even mentioning the word "diabetes" and be just fine with that. Sometimes I feel like I would love for the first thing people ask me about to NOT be about Emma's diabetes. Sometimes I wish people were more understanding of this disease and more willing to want to support us. Sometimes I wish I could know the right thing to say to make it all better. Sometimes I wish things were easier.
I know that I am not alone. I know that I don't know everything there is to know about diabetes and I probably never will. I know that I am thankful for the fact that life isn't easy because it keeps me on my toes and forces me to think in new ways. I know that no matter how exhausted I am, I will always do anything it takes for Emma. I know that I will never be able to make everyone understand that there is more to us than diabetes. I know that not everyone we meet is going to want to learn more than the basic ignorant knowledge of this disease. I know that I will never truly feel like I belong in a group of people who's lives are not affected in the same way as ours. I know that I will be ok. I know that Emma will be ok. I know that I can take things as they come and do my best. I know that if I were given the choice to do it all over again, I would. I know that even though we have come a long way on this path...there is still leaps and bounds to go before we reach that field of wildflowers together...standing there hand in hand...a cure before us. I know that we will get there. I know that is true not just because I am Emma's Mom and want it to be true...I know it because there is no way that someone as special as her would ever wind up with any outcome less than that.
I know that I am thankful for all of you. I know that you will always "get" me and "get" my life. I know that you will all be there for me as I will be there for you. I know that you will think there is probably something wrong with me or that maybe I am not feeling well if I don't share at least one humorous thing in this post....so I will end this with a little snippit of my afternoon:
While walking up the street to pick Emma up from school this afternoon, I pulled my phone out of my pocket to check on the time. I was so focused on my phone that I narrowly missed walking full force into the back of a minivan....yep...SO close that I instinctively put my hands out in front of me and wound up giving the back of that van a little shove. Did I think that I could just shove it out of the way? Or was I trying to save my face from a full out impact with the back of a Mitsubishi Montana? Who knows....lolol....at least I didn't do this though!!