I wonder

While sitting in the drive-thru at Tim Horton's (coffee place) today, I counted it out in my head and told Emma that she only has 1 more lantus needle left to get...and 5 more Rapid needles...then she is done. The look on her face was priceless. She could not believe that she only had to have ONE more lantus needle...she has never really been a big fan of that one because I have always done it in her thigh. I don't know why...I just got into the habit of wake up in the morning, check BG, lantus in thigh, breakfast rapid in left arm, lunch rapid in right arm, and supper rapid in belly. I think i started it to just keep it straight in my head to always switch it up to do my best in preventing scar tissue. In any case, she just sat there in the back seat...mouth hanging open...repeating the word "ONE?" over and over again. It made me giggle. It made me feel like I was giving her the best present in the world. It made me realize how much the needle aspect of diabetes really affects her. Sure, we go about our routine day after day of needles and finger pokes...but she has gotten so used to that routine that she hasn't really ever commented on it for years.
So, tomorrow morning will be the last time that I have to give my daughter a lantus needle. Tuesday morning we will go to the hospital to begin the pump...the real deal...no more saline...real honest to goodness insulin this time. I am still nervous. I'm still freaking out a bit on the inside....but I sort of have this calm feeling in me too, if that makes sense. I think it will be hard to NOT give her a needle anymore. It will feel weird to me. I will feel like I am doing something wrong or forgetting something. I wonder how long that feeling will last. I wonder what it is going to be like getting through these first few weeks. I wonder if it will be the most difficult thing I have ever done. I wonder if I will crack under the stress and pressure or if I will be able to handle it. I wonder if Emma will love it. I wonder if she will be ok. I wonder if there will be many scary highs and lows. i wonder if i will be able to sleep at all that first night. I wonder if I can do this. I wonder if I will remember how to do everything. I wonder if we will be alright. I wonder if I will ever get used to the feeling I get when i see the pump attached to her...how it makes me sad because it is a physcial and tangible thing right there in my face showing me that there is something not functioning inside my child's body. I wonder if I will screw up. I wonder if I will hurt her when doing an infusion set. I wonder if a few weeks from now, I will go back and read this post and wonder what the heck I was so worried about. I wonder if I will sit in this exact same chair I am sitting in now and chuckle at what I am reading. I wonder if I will have more confidence in my abilities at that point. I wonder if I will still be scared.
Over the past few weeks, I have often said to others or to myself even, that I wish I could just fast forward to the middle of June. I wish I could just skip over this particular moment in time and get to the good not so stressful and not so scary part of this. As I sit here typing this now though, I am actually starting to think I shouldn't be wishing that. I shouldn't be wishing time away. I should just live in the moment and accept the scariness and stress with open arms. I should LIVE in it...because good or bad...terrifying or happy...stressful or calm...we are feeling it and living it. I can see the light at the end of this tunnel and I know we will get there...we will make it there together...hand in hand...with many friends cheering us on along the way.