Wednesday, December 22, 2010

My tunnels and wishes

So, the countdown is on...3 more days until Christmas!! This will in fact be our 3rd Christmas with diabetes. That is hard for me to believe actually. I remember how scared i was that first year and how often I tested Emma's blood sugar to make sure she was ok. It was pretty much bordering on the obsessive compulsive need really.  I thought for sure that she was going to go dangerously low and pass out while opening gifts that morning and there that memory would be...burned into my brain and hers for the rest of our lives...ruining Christmas worse than the Grinch could have ever succeeded in doing. Needless to say, everything was fine...she was no worse for the wear, other than having some sore fingertips from having a panicked freak of a Mommy who insisted on testing her BG so much. This year, I of course am still nervous....but much more comfortable too if that makes sense. I think it's because we have done this before and came out on the other side ok. Diabetes is sort of like that for me. It's always been like a series of tunnels that we run into. That first year was the scariest and longest tunnel. The day Emma was diagnosed we were kind of shoved into it blindly. We did have our minimal gear in our toolbelts...carb info, insulin supplies, etc. but that was really it. It was poorly lit because we really had no idea what we were doing. It was bumpy and slippery and full of twists and turns. It seemed to go on forever...taunting me the whole way...We made it through the other end though. Each "new" experience with the added bonus of diabetes has been a different tunnel on our path. Some are bright and easy and clear with crowds of people cheering us on the whole way! Those tunnels are the best...we walk them with our friends and tell our stories and share each others joys in fighting this disease. Others are dark and sad and lonely. They frighten me and take away all of my hope for making it out. Those tunnels are the worst...Emma and I are always alone in those... I'm grasping her hand as tight as I can and holding her to my body...protecting her from the unknown...shielding her from the pain and fear and despair...trudging along through the muck and mud one step at a time praying to whoever will listen that the small dot of light will soon appear ahead showing me the end of this horrid tunnel is near. I hate those's all I can do to keep from losing my mind and running screaming into the darkness. The only constant comfort is the feeling of Emma's hand in mine....counting on me...needing me to be strong. Thankfully I have only had to make it through a couple of those tunnels so far. I much prefer the bright cheery ones.
In any case, once again I seem to have gone off on a weird tangent....sorry about that. This year for Christmas, I hope that Emma and all of the other diabetic kids out there have a great day. I hope that they get to enjoy being kids. I hope that Santa is good to them all. They deserve it. My hope for their parents is that things go smoothly...and that they are able to enjoy the day as well. Look at your children's faces and truly see the joy in their eyes that moment when they see all of the presents Santa left under the tree. That sparkle and that pure joy is what Christmas is really all about. Let diabetes leave your mind completely for just that minute and enjoy that special moment in time.


  1. ohh my goodness this is so beautifully written! you are super talented, my friend.

    I wish I could be there to hold your other hand through the tunnel, but know that I am always there in spirit.

    love you big sister.

  2. that is absolutely beautiful Amy! Thanks for that and I will try to keep this disease from taking part in our Christmas Celebration.

  3. aww i love you too Tehlor! thank you...i know you are always with me in spirit and that definitely makes my heart feel better. LOVE YOU and i hope you all have a Merry Christmas!
    Thank you as well Deana! Merry Christmas to you and your family too! :o)