The waiting is the hardest part....i hate that about diabetes. The past couple of days I have been struggling with trying to get Emma's breakfast ratio right so she would come in at an ok blood sugar number come lunch time. If I gave her 1 unit per 8 carbs...then she is too high at lunch, and if i did 1 unit per 7 carbs...then she's too low! I can't win sometimes! So...basically i just did the 1 per 7 and bumped up the carbs in her morning snack. Now, I sit here waiting to see if the phone is going to ring...her school telling me that she is low.
Sometimes I feel like I am trying so friggin hard to get her blood sugar numbers to be as good as possible...that it is going to drive me insane. It's like I have all of this random information swirling around in my head all day long and I am trying to juggle all of it...all of the different factors that affect the blood sugar. Activity, weather, mood, school, food, growth spurts...if it's a day ending in "y"...if she's wearing purple...ARGH! It's hard...and it makes my brain hurt. I know...i know...it could always be worse! I've heard it all before...look on the bright side, Amy!...it could have been something worse like cancer!...at least it's a "manageable" disease!...she's such a smart girl, she will be ok! Really? lolol..what does her being smart have to do with her pancreas not working? I had to stay up till 2:45am the other night giving her 40 carbs of food just to keep her blood sugar from dropping too low. This made me pretty much useless all day yesterday. I felt really bad though about it because all Emma wanted to do was play once she got home from school. I feel like I am letting her down sometimes because I am so tired...and I don't want to blame it on her diabetes in front of her, because I don't want her to feel responsible some how. It's not HER fault I am tired. It's diabetes fault! It takes a lot from us and is very stressful...but I think that is what bothers me the most...the fact that diabetes can take away my ability to be a fun Mom. It robs me of sleep and energy and therefore makes it harder for me to just play and have fun with Emma. It's like I can only focus on the basic needs she has...meals, baths, insulin, blood sugars, brush teeth...stuff like that. I have no room or energy or focus left in my brain to simply play a game with her. I hate it! It was so bad yesterday that i found myself at one point wishing for a coffee IV drip...or maybe I should have just sat there and chewed on a few coffee beans. Anyway, to borrow a phrase from my mom...I'll sleep when I'm dead! In the meantime, diabetes can kiss my arse today cause I actually got 6 hours of sleep IN A ROW last night.