Friday, December 10, 2010

Just another brick in my wall

I know I just posted something...but I still feel like there is more to get out. I just checked Emma's blood sugar and it was ok...a little high, but ok I suppose. Maybe it's because i have been thinking about a lot of sad things lately, probably because I tend to be overly sensitive and over analyze things. It's just the way I am. Anyway, like I said...I checked her blood sugar and then I just stood there looking at her sleeping. It kills me sometimes...why did this have to be her life? Why does she have to have diabetes? I have built up a pretty sturdy brick wall over the past 2 and a half years...I don't like thinking like this and feeling like i have tried to build that wall and keep it all out. Sometimes though diabetes gets thru the slips between the bricks and gets over onto my side. It feels like a punch to my heart when that happens. It's weird too because it seems to always happen at such random times. Like tonight...I can't even count how many times I have gone up to her room to check her blood sugar over the years and for some reason tonight it just got me. This is our life now...this is my baby girl's reality. I look at her beautiful face while she is sleeping so freely with her arms spread above her head and her mountain of stuffed animals surrounding her. She doesn't deserve this...she shouldn't have to live this life. I try not to waste my energy and cloud my heart with hatred for diabetes. It's not's poison really. But in all honesty...I can't help it sometimes...the hate gets in and takes ahold of me. I get so angry that my baby has to have it. I am sure that I am just being emotional...but I think I just need to get it out and i will be fine. I really am not such a depressing person...i do enjoy life and am happy. I think it's just all of the things that have been going on lately causing my overload. It gets so hard trying to be so strong and not show her my fear about all of the things involving her diabetes. It has and always will scare the crap out of me...but I don't want Emma to see that...I don't want her to see the fear. I want her to know that it will be beat some day. I want her to believe it and have that fire in her belly that I have...that feeling of wanting to do absolutely anything to reach that cure. Diabetes is such a pain in the ass....and being a Mom is a lot harder than I ever thought it could be.

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