Monday, December 13, 2010
My 5 minute argument with myself
This morning Emma and I got up early to drive my husband in to work so we could have the car today. We only have the one vehicle...so we do this quite often actually. Anyway, the roads were pretty slippery and traffic was moving slowly due to all of the snow we got during the night. Usually on mornings like this Emma will bring her blanket in the car with her so she can snuggle up and try to get a little bit more sleep during the car ride. It's actually a beautiful quilt that we got the last time (one and only time actually!) that she was admitted to the hospital due to a stomach bug she had earlier in the year. She couldn't keep anything down...her blood sugars were a mess and she had ketones...but that is a whole different story that I don't really feel like getting in to right now! Anyway, this quilt is awesome. There is a group of woman who make all of these different quilts and donate them to the children's ward in the hospital. Well, ever since that day Emma has slept with it and loves it. Anyway, so there we were driving along and there she was in the back seat all snug as a bug in a rug. She usually has a hard time actually falling back asleep in the car honestly. Well, today after we dropped my husband off and we were heading back home...I happened to glance in the rearview mirror to see what she was doing. She had her eyes closed and her head was tilted back and her mouth was wide open. Which brings me to my panicked moment for the day. I sat there having an inner argument with myself while trying to focus on the road as well. I was freaking out wondering if her blood sugar had dropped too low and she was passed out literally. Or maybe she was actually just sleeping...Should I call out her name? Tap her on the leg? Or just let her be? I knew she was tired...so i didn't want to wake her up...but I was worried that it was something worse than just sleeping...I hate diabetes. I hate having that inner argument with myself...I hate the wondering and watching and waiting and trying to decide what to do. The arguing in my head was getting louder and louder and I was getting that sense of urgency and panic...i hate that feeling. It's like someone standing over your shoulder yelling in your ear to hurry up! make a decision! do something! ANYTHING! It's like an overload of stress that bursts up from my heart and tries to explode. Thankfully while arguing with myself, I looked back at her again and she had stirred in her sleep and opened her eyes. She looked at me and said, "what???" All was ok...she was fine...she was just sleeping. All of this happened in the span of about 5 minutes. A lot can happen in 5 minutes though....a lot of people who don't deal with diabetes on a daily basis will probably read this and think that I was overreacting and being dramatic...so not the case. I could lose my child in a matter of minutes thanks to diabetes. Imagine bearing that weight on your shoulders every single day for the rest of your life...with no breaks...no days off. It's an insane amount of stress and responsibilty. Sometimes I feel like it could swallow me whole if i let it...if i just let my guard down for one second it could consume me and i would lose everything.
Posted by sky0138 at 11:04 AM