Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Wanting another baby and OUR life's ride
So I have thought about writing about this before...but I always wind up erasing it and writing about something else instead. I should have known better though...because it is still floating around in my head banging back and forth trying to get out...lolol...so I should just write it out and be done with it. Anyway, I have always wanted to have more kids. I mean I LOVE Emma more than words can even describe...but I have still always wanted to have more...at least one more. My husband has 2 from a previous relationship. They are 15 and 12 and do not live with us. I have always wanted another baby though. I think part of it is selfishness. My family (parents, grandparents, brother, etc) all live back in Wisconsin where I am from. I think that makes me want another person with us here even more...another person for Emma to have. She has actually made many many comments to me over the years about how she wishes that she could be a big sister...and she could have a brother or sister who is here all of the time too. Well, problem one with this is that I don't think that my husband really wants any more kiddos. Problem two though is much more difficult...I think that I would constantly be worrying that the baby would have diabetes too. I think that I would be constantly looking for the signs...wanting to check their blood sugar too...worrying about a whole other person having to go thru the same stuff as Emma does. I wouldn't be able to handle the guilt if that happened...I would never be able to forgive myself I think. I would know that I selfishly wanted this baby...and it would be all my fault that they were diabetic too. How would I be able to accept that? And what if it never happened until they were much older than Emma was? What if we reached the point of that collective sigh of relief thinking that they weren't going to be diabetic too...only to find out that wasn't the case? On the other hand though...what if it never happened? How paranoid would I make this child fron my constant worrying about them? UGH. I know we can't control the future...we can't predict what would or wouldn't happen. We just kind of have to strap in and hang on for the ride. That is the whole point of life, isn't it? The journey...the experience...the ride... It isn't about the end result or finally getting to that specific point or getting that specific thing. It's about what happens on the way there...who we meet along the way...what we experience on the way there. I wish though that I could settle this in my head. I wish that either the feeling of wanting another baby would go away...or the feeling of worry and guilt about wanting another one would go away. I hope now that I have written it out, it will stop banging around in my head and I can have a little peace on that matter. I would like to be able to just focus on the ride we are on now...strap in...and try to keep all arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times. Except when we reach that first loop-de-loop....then it's definitely arms in the air and screaming my head off....
Posted by sky0138 at 9:29 AM