Ok...so i am scared out of my mind right now...and excited...and nervous...and stressed all rolled into one. The day that I knew would eventually come actually came today. My husband had to work late so it was just Emma and I for supper tonite. We ate and she had desert and I gave her the needle to cover all of it. Well, about 30 min. later she spotted a package of PEZ candy on the table and asked if she could have it. I sort of let out a big sigh like I always do when situations like this occur and I told her no because she just finished supper and I just gave her the needle...and I didn't want to have to give her another needle to cover the carbs of the PEZ and she would be having her bedtime snack in a couple of hours anyway...so no...just wait. I always hate that whole schpeel (is that an actual word?) I have to go thru in those situations. I hate denying my child something so simple. I have tried my absolute hardest over the past 2 and a half years to be as accomodating as possible when it comes to her food and snacks and I try to make her feel as normal as possible. From giving her a glass of water with a splash of apple juice in it when her friend is over playing and asks for an apple juice to drink....to perfectly timing the baking of chocolate chip cookies along with supper so she can have them as dessert and I can count those carbs in with her supper needle. It's hard...and it makes me tired...but I do it for her. So, I decided to bring to her attention that if she was on the insulin pump that she could be eating those PEZ right now...no needle involved...just eat them and push a button on the pump and we're done! Well, to my surprise Emma shouted I WANT THE PUMP RIGHT NOW!! I was in shock! Emma has always been against the pump...she's always been afraid of the needle with it...it was at the point where even talking about it would bring tears to her eyes. So, i asked her if she only wanted a pump now just so she could eat the PEZ? She said in the most mentally and emotionally exhausted sounding voice I have ever heard her use..."NO Mommy...I'm just tired of not being able to eat when I WANT to eat!" It broke my heart to hear that...to see her little face...her beautiful eyes looking so drained and so sick of it all. I think she has just gotten to that point...she's had enough...she wants her freedom back. I want to give that to her. I want her to be happy and healthy and eat whenever SHE wants to eat. I want that more than anything actually! It makes me so excited to know that this might really be happening! However, I am more scared than I have ever been in my life aside from when I found out that she was diabetic. I'm terrified. I've heard the saying "numb with fear" many times before...and now I know exactly what it means. My heart is pounding because I want this so bad for her...and yet my mind is moving non-stop at warp speed with all of these things that go along with a pump. The two main things that I can grab on to at this moment as they fly around my brain are (1) I am scared of losing that safety net of the lantus...I'm completely afraid of something going wrong with the tubing or the site and having her go into DKA very very QUICKLY. (2) I am wondering how in the hell I will be able to handle snack times at school. As it is I go to the school every day to get her and bring her home for lunch. Well, if she was on the pump I would then have the following schedule I think (unless there is some other solution that I am not aware of) 8:30am bring her to school...9:45am go back to school to push button on pump to cover carbs eaten at snack time...11:15am go back to school to get her for lunch...12:15pm bring her back to school cause lunch is over...1:45pm go back to school to push button on pump to cover carbs for afternoon snack...and finally 3:00pm go to school to pick her up for end of day. I might as well just register and join Grade 1 again.
So, anyway...I just needed to get this out of my head. I'm excited and freaking out and scared. I want to do the right thing though...I just wish there was a cure already and this wasn't even a thought in my brain.