Sunday, November 21, 2010

Let's be honest

I was thinking today about all of the little things I know about Emma. All of the stuff that no one else knows about. Things like how she doesn't like to eat the ends of a banana. How she has a certain stuffed animal dog at the foot of her bed and it has a big black spot on its back that she wants covered up by a blanket because she says it is in the shape of a witch and it's scary when she's trying to sleep. Things like how at bedtime she likes to imagine herself on a cloud to help fall asleep. Every single night after the kisses and hugs and "i love you!" i have to tell her a new thing that can be on her cloud with her (i.e. shrek or a monkey or Nana's dogs). Things like how she does NOT ever want her pinky finger poked to check blood sugars. How she does NOT ever want a needle of insulin in her bum. It's really amazing how many little things there are. No wonder why I have such a hard time remembering where I put my keys.
It also got me thinking though about all of the little things that no one knows about me. Things like how whenever I have an eyelash that has fallen on my cheek, I pick it up and blow it off my finger and make a wish. How every time Emma and I pass by a fountain to throw a coin in and make a wish it's always the same. Every time I blow the candles out on my cake it's again the same. Every single time I wish for a cure for my daughter. I know my little wishes aren't going to bring a cure any closer...but I still do it...every single time. Wishes may seem silly to some...but I do believe in miracles...they must happen because otherwise I would not have my daughter. Another little thing about me that no one knows about is that whenever I am stressed or worried about Emma's diabetes, I always talk to my grandpa who passed away. I ask him for help and strength to make it through. I ask him to look out for Emma and keep her safe...and he always does. One more thing no one knows is that no matter how many times people tell me otherwise and no matter how much I will agree and say it out loud...i still feel guilty...i still feel like it is my fault Emma is diabetic. I can be told it's not so...and there is no way it is my fault. Deep down in the darkest parts of my heart...way down there where no one else can see...locked away from the rest of the world...i still feel guilty. Over the years I've gotten pretty good at hiding my true feelings...which I know is a bad thing...but it was just a way of coping in the beginning...a way to stop crying in front of Emma. I honestly don't think that it will ever go away.
In any case, here we are again...the house is quiet...Sunday night and letting my brain run free. What a creep diabetes is...

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