Thursday, November 11, 2010

A knife through the heart...

So yesterday at lunch time Emma was 3.1...ugh! The rest of the day was absolutely perfect though...she was actually 7.5 at three different times during the day which is awesome. Anyway, at lunchtime based on her low blood sugar reading and the amount of carbs she worked out that she didn't need a needle at all to cover it. This is a pretty rare occurance to be honest. I think in the past 2 1/2 years it has only happened one or two other times. It's weird too how at the beginning of diabetes being in our lives I never wanted to give her a needle...i always felt so bad having to do it. Well, now I feel like I am doing something wrong when it works out that I don't have to give her one! The last time it happened, I brought it up to Emma how cool it was that she didn't even need a needle for that particular meal. I thought it was pretty neat that for that one moment of the day we could sort of "pretend" that she wasn't diabetic. Well, Emma had the complete opposite reaction. She instantly burst into tears! In between sobs, she was telling me how she missed how things were before diabetes when she NEVER had to have a needle for ANY meal she ate. She said how much she hated diabetes and wished that it never happened to her. That was probably one of the lowest points for me since this all began. It was like a knife straight thru my heart to see my baby girl so hurt and angry and bitter about how things have to be for her. Emma is typically a very easy going mellow kid...she kind of rolls with the punches and doesn't seem to get too bothered by things. So, it is quite a shock to me sometimes when she reacts like that. People always say things like "it just breaks my heart"...I say it too actually. Well, to see my little girl sitting there crying her eyes out, feeling so helpless and heart actually did break I think. A piece of my heart broke that kills me to not be able to help her...I don't have the words or the knowledge of how to handle a situation like that. I just pulled her into my lap and hugged her and wiped away her tears and kissed her. Our kids should never have to deal with something so heavy like that. Us as Moms should never have to deal with that either...we shouldn't have to sit there and try to think of how to comfort our child when they are filled with so much despair over something that they didn't ask for...they never asked for diabetes...they didn't do anything wrong to get it...they are so innocent! Diabetes has hardened my heart I believe. It has made me react differently to things. It has changed my whole perspective on things. It's changed ME forever like it or not. For the most part, I think Emma deals with her diabetes better than I do. She is a lot stronger than I am. She is a lot stronger than most adults I know. She is my hero. So, needless to say...yesterday when it worked out that she didn't need a needle at lunch...i didn't mention it to her at all...i didn't even bring it up. I just continued about our business and she didn't even notice. Or maybe she did...and just held it all in this time. I hope not...i hope that she can just be comfortable with letting out her emotions and feelings when she needs to. Diabetes is a bully...i hate it...


  1. That would have just killed me. Right now Elise is pretty accepting of her diabetes. I'm not looking forward to the day when she realizes that other kids don't have to do the same things she does.

    Did you get my email?

  2. It was rough for sure. That actually happened almost 2 years ago I think...was so hard to see her like that. She is amazing now though and hasn't actually broken down like that since then. Not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing? I always wonder what she thinks about all of it.