Thursday, November 4, 2010

I Was All By Myself

Even though I know I have a lot of friends who really do understand diabetes and what we go through every day...sometimes i still feel really alone. Usually it hits me late at night when the house is quiet and everyone else is asleep...like right now. It feels like I am standing in the middle of a huge crowd of people that are chattering away...laughing and talking and totally oblivious to the fact that i am standing right there...and I want to shout and laugh with them...but I can't...no sound comes out when I open my mouth. There I stand in the dark...just out of arms reach of the rest of the world...my fingertips are so close to being in the light with them, but no matter how hard I try..i just can't get there. It's a horrible feeling. I don't feel this way all of the time. Or maybe I do and I have just learned how to push the feeling down below everything else and try to ignore it. I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I can talk and talk until I have no words left to get out..and still people don't understand. People who are supposed to agree with me...people who are supposed to be on my side backing me up and believing in me...they just don't get it. I have a hard time with these "supposed to people". It's hard to be a Mom...it's hard to be an adult...it's even harder to be a parent to a diabetic. Sometimes I feel like I am just banging my head against the wall trying to make those "supposed to people" have faith in me and my abilities in doing a good job. I feel like I can never fully vent to them or let my true emotions out because they are annoyed with all the diabetes talk. I wish I could say to them sometimes that there are days when diabetes consumes me...it consumes every single thought in my head to the point where i feel like i could just explode. Then I feel like why should I have to try so hard to get those people to support me? why should i care? why do i feel like i have to prove myself? I know I am doing the best i can....why do i need approval from these "supposed to people"? I sometimes wish I could just get by with not needing someones shoulder to cry on every now and again. I wish I was stronger. In the beginning of Emma's diagnosis, I cried a lot...well I hardly ever cry now. I guess I have trained myself to hold it in and just be strong for my daughter...don't ever let her see me cry...be tough...be the strong and reliable Mommy that she deserves. Well, on nights like these when I feel completely and utterly alone in this...I think I will just sit here and write it all out and cry. I think i forget that getting the words out of my head and my heart simply just isn't enough sometimes...i need to cry them out too.

2 comments:

  1. She couldn't have a better mom than you, Amy.

    ReplyDelete
  2. thank you Alicia. that means a lot to me. :o)

    ReplyDelete