The Emma/Mommy bubble

A couple of days ago we went to an indoor playground for a JDRF event. I talked about it in my last blog actually. Well, I wanted to also bring up something that happened that same day. Emma's numbers were on the higher side all day, so when we got there I decided to not give her her usual afternoon snack because I didn't want her blood sugar to skyrocket. Everything went ok when we were there and we went about our usual business at home of getting supper ready. Well, about 30 min. before supper was going to be done Emma came up to me and said that she thought she was low. I checked her and sure enough she was only 2.9. I instantly got that panicked feeling in my heart...my brain focused solely on juice box juice box juice box. Get the carbs into her before something more dangerous happens. I opened the fridge, grabbed a juicebox, jammed the straw into it and shoved it in her mouth. Then I sat there staring at her...waiting for her to finish it. I absolutely hate that feeling. The waiting and wondering if it is working...if it will bring her up quick enough. I hate seeing her so pale and so shaky with the panicked look in my eyes mirrored in hers. So, she finished the juicebox and I waited a few more minutes...staring at the wretchedly slow clock...my stomach clenching and twisting in fear...trying to force my hands to stop shaking and stop wanting to pick up the meter to check right away because i know i need to wait longer to give the juice time to get in her system. I can't take my eyes off of her...im afraid if i do that she will pass out or worse. After she drank the juice and i was able to wait long enough, she told me that she still felt funny..........ugh. So, I checked her again and she was 2.6. awesome. So, once again the pounding heart comes back and i rush to grab anything at all that has carbs and shove it at her. Well, to make a long story short...her blood sugar finally came back up to normal. I hate that moment in time though...when you are waiting for it to be ok. It's like everything else in the world has stopped...no other noise...no other sound...nothing is moving...like someone has pressed pause on the dvd of your life. The only thing that I can focus on is Emma...her eyes...her face...her shaking hands holding the juice that is putting carbs back into her little body...my own shaking hands holding the meter and lancet...staring at the clock..watching that minute hand draaaaggg around the numbers. It's like her and I are in our own little bubble and everything around us is gone...we are solely focused on diabetes and her body. I hate what diabetes does to her...i hate what it does to me. I will never let it beat us though...it won't win. If it takes the rest of my life to ensure that my daughter is cured...that is what I will do. She doesn't deserve to have this in her life. No one should have to watch their child turn white as a ghost and shake uncontrollably...telling you that they feel low...needing you to make it better. You can't kiss diabetes and make it better...you can't make it go away...you can't "fix" your child's diabetes. Diabetes takes away one of your number one duties as a mom...the ability to make your child better with a kiss. Each time this fact is thrown in my face...each time one of these moments in time is thrust upon us...each low blood sugar episode...it hardens my heart a bit more. I hate that diabetes can do that to me and i hate that i am not strong enough to stop it from happening.