Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Track 3 on my diabetes greatest hits CD

Those of you who know me personally already know this...but for those who don't...i am definitely NOT a morning person. It poses somewhat of a problem for me dealing with diabetes...but we manage. I usually stumble around and really don't talk at all until I have gotten my first cup of coffee in me. This morning I woke up half an hour late and in the midst of rushing around trying to get everything done and get Emma to school on time, i noticed something i've never paid attention to before. The sounds of diabetes. It's pretty weird really. All the clicks, ticks, beeps, and such. Sometimes they are so faded away in the background that I don't notice them at all...other times they are so loud and in my face that it is deafening. I never thought it would happen...and by reading my blog, you probably would never believe me...but more often than not I usually don't hear them at all. Usually I am so busy with everything, that I don't even notice or realize anymore that I am checking blood sugars or giving needles or even counting carbs. It's like my brain has rewired itself to just DO's just another part of the goes hand and hand with eating. All of the other people in the world who are able to just EAT when it is time to eat..that is weird to me. I have forgotten what it is like to be able to just sit down and put the food in your mouth and eat. Sometimes when I look at food now I don't even see the actual food...i see a number...the carbs. Very strange. It apparantly has had no affect on me eating it certainly don't have a problem eating too many Nilla wafers for example. It is strange though...kind of sad in a way. Sometimes I wonder what I will do with my time when Emma is grown and out of the house. What will it be like for me at meal times? Will I still count carbs? Will I still measure out a cup of veggies for myself? How will I be able to break these habits that I have now? Will I ever get rid of the need to give a needle to someone after eating? How will I be able to go back to the way things were with food before diabetes? I think it will be hard. In the beginning of diabetes moving in and becoming an unwanted houseguest, I thought it would be hard to get used to adding the needles, blood sugars, etc to the meal time routine. I thought I would never be able to get used to it. Human nature is a strange thing...Now it is all such a habit to me that it is sort of weird. I have found comfort in the routine...comfort in the habit. So much comfort in fact, that I am a little worried of what it will be like to not have that routine...that familiar worn-in favorite sweater. Only time will tell I suppose.
I realize that I have gotten a little off my original I am going to try and rope it back in The sounds of diabetes! Well, those times that the sounds of diabetes are deafening...those times are the scariest...the most dreaded. For example when Emma is low it seems like each of those sounds could make my head explode. The unzipping of her meter case...the opening snap of the test strip container...the beep as I put the strip in the meter...the clicking of the lancet...the ticking of the clock as each single second passes with an eternity. That "song" of that single moment in time is worse than any noise i've ever heard. Sometimes i think i would prefer to listen to nails on a chalkboard. Thankfully that particular song doesn't come on our playlist all that often. In any case...the sounds of diabetes are with me always...whether I hear them or not

No comments:

Post a Comment