Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Tick tock Tick tock.....

Tick tock tick tock tick I sit feeling the panic and worry and stress rushing through me. My daughter is officially out of school and on her way to a playdate right now. This is her very first one without me staying there too. I hate this feeling....diabetes is being such a bully to me right now. I know in my head that I have provided the Mom of this friend with all of the necessary information about low blood sugars, high blood sugars, and carbs....but in my heart I am freaking right out wondering if she is taking it as serious as she should be. She is a VERY nice woman and a very good Mom to her own children...but I still worry. I know that is a Mom's job to worry about her kids. I hate it though. Adding diabetes into the mix just magnifies the worry to an almost unbearable level. When I dropped Emma back off at school after lunch today, I hugged her tighter than normal and kissed her and told her I love her. I hate watching her walk away and just having to be content with hoping for the best. Being forced to put so much faith and trust in another person is just madness. Being forced to put so much faith and trust in a 6 year old little girl is insane. I am struggling with being able to trust that she will actually stop playing and tell the Mom if she is feeling low. Her playdate is only until 5:00...which is only 1 hour and 45 minutes from now...the longest 1 hour and 45 minutes of my life really. I am sitting here trying to convince myself that everything will be fine...I need to trust her...I need to let this happen...I need to let her go and be independant...I need to teach her that she can rely on herself to manage her diabetes (to a certain extent right now...more so later)...I need to let her gain this confidence. It's killing me though. As I stood there watching her walk away, I felt like this was one of those proverbial "chapters" closing in our lives. She is not a baby anymore. She's growing up whether I like it or not. Diabetes is a part of her. I need to teach her things to make her into a strong independant woman. UGH...i CAN do this...i CAN do this...I hate this inner battle going on in my head right now. I'm sure this post is going to read like just a big bunch of nonsense blobbed together....but I need to get it out or I am afraid I will just freeze. Diabetes takes a lot away from us no matter how hard we try to stop it. But I am going to attempt to try to not let it take away this moment. No matter how much I hate this and how stressful this NEEDS to happen. I am just going to have to be ok with that fact.

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