Tuesday, January 18, 2011

If I could only run fast enough

Diabetes is hard. It's unfair. It's stressful. I can't believe that we are almost 3 years into this and I still have moments where I feel like this is all just a bad dream. I can't believe that my brain or my spirit or whatever, still will not give up that feeling. I mean I know this is my reality...I know that this is our life and always will be until a cure is found. So, why do I still feel like this from time to time? I'm usually able to just drown out all of these false hope feelings everyday because life is always noisier and distracting during the day. I find myself once again sitting at the computer...the house is quiet...everyone else is asleep. Here I am sitting with my heart hurting...trying to win the fight with my eyes and not let the tears fall...I have cried enough tears for diabetes and I don't want to give anymore.
Yesterday when I picked Emma up from school, she seemed a little down...which is very unusual for her. Normally she is a chatterbox and will tell me everything exciting that went on that day. Well, yesterday she was very quiet and looked upset about something. I asked her what was wrong and she told me that she was sad because she had to miss out on most of the recess times. I asked why and she explained to me that it was because she hadn't finished eating the snack I sent for her...so the teacher made her stay in and finish it before joining the other kids outside. That is actually what I would want the teacher to do..so no problem there. The problem was that Emma was feeling left out...she was feeling different and left behind...like she wasn't able to be like the other kids because she is diabetic. Another piece of my heart broke off and crumbled away to nothing. I spend a good portion of my days trying to stop this exact thing from happening. I don't want her to feel different...i don't want her to feel left out or left behind...i don't want her to ever think that she can't do something BECAUSE she is diabetic. I want her to know in her heart that she can do absolutely anything IN SPITE of the fact that she is diabetic. As far as the snack situation goes, since day one of junior kindergarten I have always sent in two seperate snacks for morning snack and two seperate snacks for afternoon snack. For example, I would pack a container of grapes and a cookie....or a container of strawberries and a piece of candy. I always split them up so it would equal the amount of carbs that she needed to eat. Emma just thought that this was always the way things were going to be. She thought that she didn't have a say in the matter. She though that because she is diabetic, this is what she had to do. It absolutely kills me to know that there she was sitting in the classroom, hearing all of the other kids outside screaming and laughing and playing...trying her best to eat everything in her bag as quick as she could so she could join in the fun for a few minutes. She probably felt so alone...so different. I hate this disease. It is trying SO hard to beat me and win this fight! It is forever hitting and hitting and hitting. The high and low blood sugars I can handle...the illnesses, the worry, the stress, the lack of sleep....I can do it. I may not like it...I may make mistakes...but I know in my heart of hearts that I can do it. When diabetes hits below the belt though and tries to make my child feel alone and different....that's when I break...it makes me want to scoop her up and run as far away as I possibly can. I wish I could run away from this disease...i wish I could just carry her off, and if I could just run fast enough...i would win...i would outrun diabetes and be free from all of this. I would run until my legs gave out from under me...and then i would continue on crawling on my hands and knees. I would run until my lungs were on fire...and then I would continue on gasping with each step. I would run to the ends of the earth and to the end of time for her.
When Emma was born, I finally realized what it truly meant to love. When she was diagnosed with diabetes, I learned what pure hate is. I may feel sad about what went on yesterday. I know I will get over it...I just need to let myself be sad for a minute.
To solve our snack/recess/time issue at school, we came up with the solution of just sending in one snack for morning and one for afternoon....just made the carbs equal out to what the two snacks were before. Everything went well today...Emma was happy and got out to recess at the same time as everyone else. She didn't feel left out or different. She was smiling and chattering away when I picked her up today after school. That makes me happy.


  1. I know it's a constant struggle to fight the helplessness. I also know that you are doing a wonderful job with Emma knowing that it's hard to NOT make them feel different or alone. We feel that pain for them and yes it's heartbreaking. We will just keep fighting this evil hateful thing that has wedged itself uninvited into our lives. We will not let it ruin or define our childrens lives. We have what it takes even when we just wanna quit! You have my love and support Amy and you will forever have Emma's love for all you do for her!

  2. I completely understand where you are coming from. When my daughter went to Kindergarten this year, my biggest fear was that she would miss out on class to go see the nurse for BG checks and to get insulin. Luckily for the most part this has been fine. Only those weird crazy unexplainable BG days has she had to go see the nurse on more than her scheduled 3 times a day. As for the snack, I try and pack one that is smaller in bites and higher in carbs so it won't take her long to eat. Other kids can throw away a snack if they don't want anymore. A diabetic, if given the insulin already, must finish the snack or will go low later. It is comforting to know other moms think similar to me but I too wish I didn't have to think this way sometimes. Thank you for the post!