I have been having baby monitor issues the past two days. Yes, my daughter is 6...will be 7 next month actually...but I still have a baby monitor in her room because I worry and I don't think I would be able to sleep if it wasn't in there because of her diabetes. I'm sure at some point I will get rid of it...maybe when she's 18...lol. Anyway, I originally thought it was just that the batteries were dead...which is unusual because this monitor takes rechargable batteries only and when you plug it into an outlet it automatically recharges the batteries currently in it. Well, last night I ran out and got new batteries only to find that it is actually the plug that is malfunctioning. So, here I sit watching the little circle on it flash orange at me...over and over...blinking away...mocking me. Saying "HA! And you thought you were actually going to get some sleep tonight! Think again you silly woman you!" It is currently 12:50am and I am not about to run out and try and find some 24hour Kwik-E-Mart type place and pay $500 for some AAA batteries. UGH.
So, here I sit...thinking away about times past instead. For some reason my mind has drifted to the time just before Emma was diagnosed. Sometimes I decide to take myself on a guilt trip just to make things interesting...and this is one of those times...grrr. Anyway, just before she was diagnosed she had started to drink LOADS of water at bedtime and had actually started wetting the bed again. I know now obviously that these are two of the most common signs of diabetes...but at the time, I had no idea. I vividly remember getting so mad at her for chugging the Dora sippy cup of water that I would give her to take to bed. She would chug it in a matter of seconds and ask for more. It got to the point that I actually yelled at her to slow down and stop chugging it all down...try to make it last!! There was one night that I must have refilled that thing 10 times...and during that night she wet the bed three times in a span of about an hour and a half. I would go up to her room to check on her and it would be soaked! So, I would have to change her and the bed and fix everything up. I had been so angry because I was SO tired and did not want to have to keep changing the bed at 2am...so I yelled at her again...to please just call for me if she had to go potty...just come downstairs and go to the bathroom! Well, needless to say the next few days after that night totally explained everything. She was diagnosed with diabetes. I was the worst Mommy in the world because I yelled at my baby for drinking too much water when she was probably dying of thirst...she couldn't help it...she wasn't doing it on purpose. I carry around so much guilt for that still to this day. I feel horrible for getting mad at her. I have apologized to her since then for doing that and for getting mad and she has forgiven me very easily. I wonder if I will ever be able to let that guilt go. I wonder if I will carry it with me forever. That memory and that feeling isn't always in the forefront of my mind...but every now and again it will bubble up and come to the surface...stabbing me in the heart each time...just to remind me that it's still there lurking around. If I could turn back time, i would have had such a different reaction to everything that went on that night.
Anyway, I am off to try and MacGuyver something and fix my baby monitor...I should try and find a stick of gum, a shoestring, and a paperclip...that always seems to work for him!