I guess I sort of had an epiphany yesterday. Kind of strange really. I have noticed that even though we are a few years into this D-life, that I have kind of been in a funk lately. It's sort of weird really how you seem to ride this wave of emotions when it comes to parenting a diabetic. At diagnosis you are left feeling like you are flailing about in the deep dark waters of the ocean...struggling to keep your head above water...somehow the knowledge of how to swim has left your brain...you can't even remember how to float. You are choking and splashing about...your tears mixing in with the salty ocean water. Eventually as the days turn to weeks...months...years...you remember. You are no longer feeling numb from that shock...no longer feeling as lost as you once did. You are able to float again. Days come where you find yourself swimming that marathon with the best of them. You feel powerful...in control...like you can do this. Days come where you struggle...illness wreaks havoc on your kids blood sugar, you are dealing with a growth spurt, stresses, emotions...out of control numbers. You find yourself once again struggling and flailing about swallowing mouthfuls of that bitter salty ocean water...waves crashing into your weak and exhausted body...the undertow threatening to pull you under with each kick of your legs. You want to give up...you want to stop struggling to stay afloat...but you can't...you won't...this struggle is different than the beginning because you have experience on your side...you have a bit of knowledge of this life tucked in your back pocket and you draw strength from that.
The emotions that come with this life are extreme. The good days are GREAT...and the bad days can be dark, horrifying, frightening, scary places. And then there are the days where you are indifferent...you are just there...just going through the motions...just present enough to get by and avoid any dangerous situations......those days are harder than the dark bad days sometimes I think. Those days scare me. I thought about it on Sunday night actually...how lately I have been voicing my indifference...my negativity...too much. I haven't bothered to censor my thoughts in my head...or out loud for that matter. I have noticed how drained I feel...how little I smile...and in turn I noticed the negativity being reflected back at me from Emma. No I wasn't going around saying I hate diabetes...it sucks...blah blah blah....but I was making it the forefront of our daily lives...and it was affecting her. She didn't seem happy...she seemed too grown up...too mature...too many serious thoughts were running through her mind....she didn't even look like a little kid to me anymore. So, I made a decision right then and there to stop it. I decided that regardless of how indifferent I was feeling...or how sad or mad or upset diabetes was making me....that I would no longer let it affect my daily mood. I was taking back the power...the ability to make that decision in my own head to choose to be positive...to choose happiness...to put the focus back on having a good day and squeezing as much fun as possible out of every single day that I can. I talked about it with Emma even. I told her that our main goal every day is no longer to keep that BG # perfect....but to have as much fun as possible...to be a kid...to enjoy her childhood before it is over.....because it goes by way too quickly. And when her childhood is over...when she's all grown up...I want her to look back on her time as a kid and the thing that I want to stick out in the forefront of her mind is all the fun we had together....not the diabetes. So....we did...we had an amazing day. We made snow angels, we chased the cat around the house, we played together, the house was filled with more laughter than it has been in a long time....deep, lose your breath, screaming, hysterical belly laughs. It was amazing. I plan on trying to make every day that way. It is worth it to me. I refuse to let diabetes take that away from us ever again.
Yes, I will still strive for the perfect BG #'s....strive being the key word. I will continue to take care of her the best way possible. I will fight this disease. I will keep her healthy. But I will not let it be the main focus of our day anymore. Yes, it will be a daily struggle....I know those dark bad days will come....but I am learning...I am becoming fond of the distraction method...lol...when I start to get down on myself for the bad times or bad #'s...I will distract myself instead of dwelling in the negativity. I will laugh with Emma. I will act like a fool. I will dance with her, sing with her, play in the snow, and be a kid with her before it is too late. Life is precious and I would rather spend the time we have in her childhood laughing and loving. It is worth it to me. I know it will be hard somedays....but I will do it...because it's worth it to me.