Monday, January 9, 2012

Who am I to judge

Sometimes I feel like I am lost in the shuffle. The monotony is like anarchy to my poor exhausted brain. I zombie-walk throughout my day and smear a smile upon my face. I rub my eyes to clear my head only to find diabetes is still here. Still living in my house. Still taking up space in my daughter's body. Still trying to run the show. Still fighting me blow for blow. I wonder if the general public actually knew...actually had a small inkling...actually felt the true mind-numbing and body-draining and emotional sucking brand of exhaustion a D-parent feels....if they would still consider diabetes to simply be about "eating right and cutting out the sugar" or "taking a pill and exercising"? I wonder if they had to feel the sleep-deprived insanity that threatens my every move on a daily basis...if they would change their opinion. There was actually a point today when I was out driving Emma to her piano lesson...and it hit me...I am tired...I've hit the wall...diabetes knocked me down to the ground and I am struggling to get back up...I'm numb...all I want to do in life is park the car, turn it off, put the seat all the way back, and have a nap.......but I can't. I can't because I am the Mommy, I have to not only do the daily Mommy duties of school, piano, meals, bath, homework, etc.....but I also have to play the role of Emma's pancreas. It's hard. It's the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. I wonder if people that I know and come across in our day to day lives actually know how tired I really am. I wonder if they can see it in my eyes...hidden behind my smile and laughter. I wonder if they know that all it would take is for me to just sit down for two seconds on the couch...and I would be out like a light. I know it must seem to a lot of people that I am just complaining...constantly complaining about being tired...when in reality the simple answer in their minds would be to just sleep...just go take a nap. It's not that easy though. I have to consider diabetes as well. I have to schedule time to sleep. It has to coincide with a time that my husband is home from work because I have no one else to watch her. It's not that easy. I think that is what I struggle with...the need for wanting to make people realize that it is not that easy. Diabetes is somehow threaded through everything in day to day life. Who am I to judge their ignorance though I suppose. I am merely a supporting character in this play...Emma is the lead stage...currently learning her lines and waiting for her time to shine.


  1. Great Post. You hit the nail on the head. You couldn't be more clear on the feelings of a d-parent. I hope you get some rest somewhere sometime soon. I hope and pray for a cure for our kids. But your right they are the lead rolls, we are the supporting cast, well said. Love the post!

  2. Well said mama! I know that each family has their own things to deal with, but I am sure that very few non-D families really get the exhaustion of it all. Hugs to you!