Sometimes if I let it....it takes over every single thought in my head.
Believe it or not, I met my husband online....I was living in Oregon and he was living here in Canada. We talked on the phone and chatted on the computer for countless hours over a year, I visited him a couple of times, we connected. We talked about things like having more kids (he already has two...at the time we met they were 5 and 2 years old)....so it really mattered to me to find out if he wanted to have more kids before I was ok with continuing on any further with things. I have always wanted a lot of kids. Growing up it was only my big brother and I and I always envied friends of mine who had many siblings. Their houses always seemed so full...so full of life...so fun. There was always someone to play with, someone to talk to, someone to help you. So, I knew when I grew up, got married, and got to the point of being ready to start my own family....that I wanted a few kids at least. At the time, he told me that yes he did want more kids....so I thought all was good on that front. To make a long story short...I moved here to be with him and we got married. As you all know, we had Emma...and life was starting to come together. My husband then decided that he was done...he didn't want any more kids. I don't know if it was due in part to the fact that Emma was diagnosed with diabetes and he was afraid of that happening to any future kids we would have.....or if it was just a matter of him being done seeing as how she was his 3rd child. Financially having more kids would definitely be difficult...seeing as how I can't really find a job that would be ok with me leaving randomly throughout the day every day to go help Emma bolus when she eats at school...or if there's a problem with a low or high blood sugar. I wouldn't be able to find a sitter that would look after her either...because of diabetes.
So, here I sit...with a deep aching in my chest every single day...the days turn into weeks and turn into months and turn into years. I will be 35 on February 7th....and Emma will be 8 years old one week later. I sit here feeling this ache and this longing for wanting another baby. Sometimes I want it so badly that I am willing to do anything to make it happen. Sometimes I am greatful that he doesn't want anymore because I sit here and think that it would be hard...it would make my life a lot harder trying to take care of a newborn as well as keep Emma's blood sugars as stable as I can. It would be difficult...I would be even more exhausted than I already am. But that knowing doesn't erase that ache and that longing. The fact that Emma is diabetic means that any siblings of hers would have a hugely greater risk of being type 1 themselves. How would I be able to live with myself if my husband actually changed his mind and wanted more kids and that child turned out to have diabetes too? I would feel an unbelievable amount of guilt. However that too does not erase that longing and that ache for wanting another baby.
I walk around in public and see pregnant women and I have to choke back the tears...because I wish that was me. I see women in my life who have 2 or even 3 kiddos of their own and I see the bond they share and I am jealous. I see the siblings playing with each other and looking like each other and having that big family feeling....and I am jealous. I want that for Emma. I want that for me.
I wish there was a way to make this feeling go away because I am tired of feeling it...so I am hoping by writing it out on here that it will help a little bit. I am hoping that I am not the only one out there in the world who has felt this feeling. I wish I could stop it. I wish I could just feel what it feels like to be pregnant again and have another baby again. I wish that I had known when I was pregnant with Emma that it was my one and only time of being pregnant...I think i would have enjoyed it more...lived in the moment more...cherished it more. I am honestly at a loss as to how to make this better for myself and make these feelings go away for good. It scares me that they will never go away...that I will always feel this way. UGH....