So last night Emma and I were playing a game while she was taking a bath...I would give her a name of someone and she would say the first word that came to her mind. There were some silly ones of course (wouldn't expect any less from her! LOL) but when I said my name...her response almost had me burst into tears...she said, "diabetes hero"....as soon as I choked back the tears I told her that means the world to me...especially coming from her. She told me that she thinks that about me because she feels like she could never stay up all night checking someones blood sugar...that she could never know all of the carbs on everything and she could never know all of the stuff that I do every day. I felt like scooping her up out of the water and hugging her...just holding her and never letting go. I told her that SHE is the true hero...SHE is the one living with this disease every day...and she is MY hero.
It got me thinking though about how things will be for her when she is grown and on her own. There will come a day where she will know the carbs on almost every food she eats. There will be nights where she will have to stay up or set her alarm and get up multiple times to check her own blood sugar. That time will be here before we know it. It scares the crap out of me honestly. Not because I doubt her ability....but more so because I picture her sitting there at 3:00am...low...scared...and watching the clock..waiting for her BG to come up so she can get some sleep. I don't want her to have to do what I do every day and night to keep her healthy and alive. I wish I could take this on for her for the rest of her life. I wish I could make it easier for her.
Then I realize that all of the seemingly little things I do every day to teach her about managing her diabetes are the things that will stick in her head...they will be the things that she will remember while she is sitting there at 3:00am...she will hear my voice echoing in her mind. Lately she has become more interested in learning the ins and outs of her pump. She figured out how to bolus pretty much from day 1...but lately whenever I make a basal change or adjust a carb ratio she wants to do it...she wants to know how it's done and why it's being done. Whenever I have to set a temp basal to help fight off a low or high BG, she wants to be the one to push the buttons to do it...she wants to know why it's being done. I am thrilled that she is maturing and has a desire to learn about this stuff. It gives me piece of mind about her future. Yes, it scares me...I see her growing up and I see the room for error happening and I see the independant version of Emma emerging like a beautiful butterfly from a coccoon.
I know that during these past few years there have been many times where I will hear the echoed voices of our good friend and dietician from our clinic (who is our angel and been my rock throughout this whole new life)...I hear her voice guiding me...reminding me...helping me get through difficult times. Yes, they are echoed voices from dark and scary times in the past with diabetes...but they are forever etched in my brain...and for that I am greatful.
I hope that Emma will find comfort in the sweet echo of my own voice someday when she is lost in the dark and scary moments with this disease. I hope she hears me and I hope it helps and comforts her.