Tuesday, July 12, 2011

trying to get it all out so i dont explode

I'm tired...I'm over it...i'm one soft whisper of a wind away from slipping over the edge into crazy town...i hate this disease. i try to put up a good facade most of the time for the people in my life and the people i come into contact with every day. i try to make it seem like i know what i'm doing and that i am ok. i try to project that image. i try to make it seem like i'm fine and i know what i'm doing. even though most of the time i feel like on the inside i am screaming my fool head off and my heart is weeping for the life that was thrust upon us. i feel like i just cant do this anymore. i feel like its not fair. im so far in the belljar right now that i dont even have the energy to care about using punctuation or proper grammer. this post is probably going to sound like a bunch of blabbering blubbering poor me bullshit...and for that i apologize...but i cant help it...i just need to get it out. i hate this disease so much right now. i hate what it is doing to emma and what it is doing to me. i hate how it is never ending and relentless and how it never ever gives up. i wish that i could explain to people who dont live with this disease exactly what it feels like. i wish that i knew the proper words to explain the feeling of the all-consuming never-ending enormity of the day to day stress and pressure. its like an unimaginable weight placed on my shoulders day in and day out every single friggin day. its always there...it never goes away and it will never go away until a cure is found. i just want a break. i just want one single afternoon even. one moment in time to be able to go back to how my life was before emma was diagnosed. i want to be able to watch her play at the park and run and be free and just be a kid and not have to worry about what the hell her blood sugars are at. I want to be like all of the other moms sitting out on the grass lounging around and semi-watching their own kids...without a care in the world...just relaxing and enjoying the day. i want that more than anything i have ever wanted in my whole entire life. i would give ANYTHING to just have that option for one single afternoon. if i could just get that one single break...that one single vacation from this DAMN disease...i would be so greatful...it would be amazing. i want that so badly i can taste it. i am so friggin jealous of those people and i hate it. i hate being jealous. i have had enough of this. i hear people tell me all the time that i am such a good mom and i am so strong and that they wouldnt be able to stick a needle in their kids body every day....i do appreciate those comments...but it still doesnt take away my frustrations, stress, worry, hurt, anger, pain of having to do this. the needles are seriously the least of my problems...i do them and i dont even think twice....its the friggin mental war that goes on 24 hours a day every single day. diabetes is ALWAYS there screwing with my mind....i hate it. i hate it i hate it i just want it to go away already.....how much friggin stress can one person be expected to handle....i hate this and i dont want to do it anymore


  1. First of all... (((HUGS))) better yet, (((HUGE HUGS))).

    One of my Facebook friends posted this today -"It's amazing what you can hide just by putting on a smile". Truer words never been spoken. BUT with that comes no one really understanding what we go through on a daily basis and that in itself is a load of crap. The daily grind of D sucks... and it sucks for those closest to us not to "get it".

    I hope this post helped you feel better. Just know that there are LOTS of us Mama's out here that DO get it and we don't care about your puncuation and propper grammar. Especially me, I suck at it anyways :)

  2. We have all been where you are! I'm so glad you can let it out here. We get it more than anyone. I said "amen" a dozen times while reading this.

    One thing about diabetes is nothing stays the same. Tomorrow can be better. Next week, can be better. And one day you realize that you are ok again. How long Ok lasts, we never know...it is a never ending cycle. But have faith that the tide will turn. A brighter day is ahead! You can do this!

  3. Just wanted to let you know that you are NOT alone. Diabetes takes its toll on all of us. And some days are better than others. And before you know it more good days will come than bad.

    Those rough days will still come, and it still sucks, but you have to remember that your sweet girl is worth every ounce of effort put into managing this disease! And WE are all here to support you along the way!


  4. It is definitely a mental war 24 hours a day...and it really SUCKS sometimes! I hope you feel better now that you got it all out and vented. I think you are in need of a D meetup to cheer you up!

  5. My neck hurts from shaking my head in agreement!!
    It's way more than the needles...that part truly is the easy part. It's the head games that this effing disease plays that wears you down and kicks you while you're there!
    Know that you have tons of hands reaching to help you up and wishing that we could be there to
    really do it.
    Sometimes you just have to 'get it out' so you can move past it. Feel free to get more out if you need to...that's what we're here for!!
    Sending lots of love your way, my friend!

  6. tears...
    because I want those same things. I think we all do! Even if for just one day!! One hour even.
    D sucks!
    Let it out!
    We get it.
    Hope you are doing better now and letting these feelings out has helped.

  7. The mental and psychological and social parts are the most difficult Amy. It is neverending. Me too...same-same. I love you. Know we all get it and we are all here for you. You can vent all you want...we will be here reading.

  8. I completely validate you, my friend. This journey is difficult, to say the least. I hear your screams...I know your screams. I understand how hard it is to watch your precious child deal with the effects of T1. I know how hard it is to "keep it together" when your mind is completely distracted. I know how frustrating it is to feel like you just have to put on a happy face all the time...or else be judged for admitting the emotions inside.

    You are not alone.

    You are not judged here.

    Will will celebrate victories, and lift you up in the face of defeat.

    Be gentle with yourself during times like these.

  9. Same.

    That's all I got today. I get it.

    Sending you HUGS.

  10. I somehow missed this yesterday, the part that really had my head nodding and the tears flowing is the mental war that is going on 24 hours a day. Hell, needles are nothing, if that was all we had to do, I'd be sane!! Most days I feel like I'm walking in a world where everyone else seems to have it all together and I'm there on the outside wishing I did, I feel the jealousy on a daily basis whenever I'm with friends and their kids and I hate it, I hate feeling like my life sucks and they seem to live the perfect lives. My life doesn't suck, but diabetes sure does. It's a daily struggle to put on the happy all together face, I think we all deserve Oscars for best performance. Happy today is a better one. xo

  11. Oh boy you are so not alone in all of these things. There are most definitely days where I wish I could throw in the towel on D. I'm sending you great big "I get it hugs!"

  12. WOW, you just took the words right out of my mouth. I GET IT, WE GET IT and that is why we all hang out in the DOC. It is a place to share your worries, frustrations, your achievements and happiness.

    Thank you for sharing and I really do hope that tomorrow the sun will shine and you will fine the strength and love that you need to kick D's butt!!