I woke up this morning to find Emma laying in the spot next to me in bed usually reserved for my husband. She was fast asleep...all sprawled out...one arm laying across my face...the other hanging off the edge of the bed. Her hair was splayed across the pillow and a strand had fallen across her cheek. I am apparently a blanket hog because she had none of the covers on her, poor thing! My poor exhausted brain didn't care to try and figure out why she was in bed with me...I assumed my husband had put her in there by me while he was getting ready for work for one reason or another. Well, a couple of hours of blissful sleep passed and the alarm went off. I leaned over Emma and shut it off without waking her. I laid there looking at her beautiful peaceful sleeping face...first trying to determine if she was low based on her coloring and if there were dark circles under her eyes or not...second just soaking in the moment, happy that she was there with me...healthy...7 years old...still at the age of wanting to cuddle with her Mommy. I must have drifted off to sleep again because I woke back up suddenly to her voice, "Mommy?" I abruptly sat up in bed..my heart pounding...searching for my glasses so I could see what time the clock said. Before I could even open my mouth to say anything, she said..."I'm not low...I'm ok Mommy...I just want to know if we can wake up and go downstairs yet?"
I was relieved and broken hearted all at the same time. Relieved that she wasn't feeling low and that I hadn't really let us sleep in all that late...so I knew things should be ok. Broken hearted because of what she said. I always sit here thinking and searching her face for signs of lows....that it never occured to me that she must think and search my own face for things too. She must have seen that all too familiar look of panic on my face and in my eyes...that panic that she must see on a regular basis...worrying about her and if she's low. She had seen it and her first thought was to reassure ME...to comfort ME...to make sure that I knew she was ok. It hurt my heart to know that she is now growing up and is so aware of her diabetes and how it affects me as well. It hurt my heart to see the role reversal in her wanting to make me feel better...instead of the usual me making HER feel better. It was a strange feeling...a sad feeling...and yet also a comforting feeling. We are in this together...we are a team...we will beat this...we will come out on the other end winners...stronger because of our journey and because of our bond.