Sunday, July 24, 2011

A life without fear

Something happened today to a fellow type 1 mom that has really shaken me to the core. The ever present, mind numbing, ice pick through the heart fear that I will one day walk into the room Emma is in and find her unconscious from a low blood sugar. I've read about severe lows just like we all have. I've read blog posts and status updates of people experiencing them first hand. I've listened to the medical staff at our clinic explain to me what needs to be done in those situations. I've got the brochures and printouts sitting in a black binder on the counter in my kitchen right now. That same black binder that has been there since day 1. That same black binder that used to be shiny and new..chock full of useful information, reminders, and phone numbers in case I needed them. I've practiced using the expired glucagon on an orange. I've read the directions in the box. I've read about it on the internet.
All of that is stored somewhere in the back of my mind surrounded by a cushion of hope. Piles upon piles of cushions and security blankets and even bubble wrap. I've pushed it back in the corner of my mind because I sit there on a daily basis trying to convince myself that it will never happen to will never happen to Emma. I should have been a door to door knife salesperson or something...because I am definitely quite good at convincing myself of that fact. I have my moments of doubt and panic that unless they find a cure soon...odds are that there will be a day at some point in my life where I will walk into that room and find my daughter crumpled on the floor suffering from a severe low. The odds are there. If I let myself think about it too much though, I usually send out the page for my salesperson self to come forward and begin the mantra speech again convincing myself that it won't can't just won't.
Diabetes is scary. It's so scary that most of the time I choose to pretend like I am brave. It's funny what we can convince ourselves of if we simply WANT to believe it bad enough.
I think aside from the day to day grind and never-endingness of it all, the hardest thing for my poor exhausted brain to deal with is the fear. Fear is maddening. Fear is something that makes me feel weak. I can't wait to live a life without this brand of fear.


  1. Ah, yes, the fear, that fear...I do a damn good job of pressing it down, too; I have to or it would destroy me and Bean would never be able to leave my sight.
    Can't wait to party when that fear is gone!

  2. I am pretty sure I know what post your talking about. My heart just ached for them. I try to tell myself "not us", but the fear is always there.