Friday, February 4, 2011

Your seat cushion may be used as a flotation device

I despise the constant feeling of worry in my gut. Last night was no bag of fun at my house. Emma went to bed at her usual time, blood sugar level was ok, no problems at all. I sat down on the couch to enjoy "my stories" on watched "Grey's Anatomy" and then the morally sound, high class, intellectually stimulating "Jersey Shore". Please don't judge me....I know the show is ridiculous...but living a life with diabetes in the house, it is just nice to watch Snookie and friends act like morons. It makes me forget my stresses and worries for an hour. Shortly following the hijinx of Snookie, Emma started whimpering and crying in bed. I know this because as I have mentioned before..I still have a baby monitor in her room (thanks diabetes). So, I went up to check on her and find out what was wrong. I thought possibly a bad dream or belly ache or something? Well, no...between sobs she told me that her feet hurt...they were stinging actually. My first thought was panic...then a little bit of guilt...then worry. I thought it was probably nerve damage or nerve issues due to her diabetes and the fact that I have been struggling to get her numbers down in the afternoons lately. I immediately paid for my ticket and hopped on board the plane for my guilt trip. Thank goodness I am a frequent flyer of this flight and I could use my reward miles to get a good deal. Anyway, I calmed Emma down and sat there on her bed rubbing her feet until she said they felt better. Back to sleep for her..back downstairs for me to try and find some more quality programming on TV or go on facebook...or whatever I could find to waste away my evening with as little brain function as possible. I wanted to "veg out" as the young folks say. Well, about an hour and a half went by and Emma began crying again! Back upstairs to find her crying and saying her feet hurt again. Repeated the entire process all over again...including my repeat guilt trip visit to It's-My-Fault-Town with a layover in I'm-A-Crappy-Mom-Ville. Well, to make a long story short...this happened one more time last night. 3 times in total...just enough to make that liquid fire burning sensation go from my stomach to my heart and back again. Was this diabetes related? Was it just a fluke? Was it because she had a really busy day? Was it a growth spurt? Were her feet just asleep? Is it my fault? Am I harming my child because I am sucking it big time trying to get afternoon numbers to come down?
Fast forward a few hours to this morning...she woke up a little bit higher than normal...and had moderate ketones. WTF? She is not sick...nothing else is wrong...feet were not hurting anymore...ugh. So, I gave her breakfast and extra insulin to get rid of ketones...also got her to drink a bunch of water. Here I the computer, waiting 1 hour and 25 min. until I can get her at school for lunch...till I can see her face and make sure she is ok...till I can check her BG...till I can check and make sure ketones are gone. I hate this feeling in my gut...worry, stress, panic, despair for my kid's health in the future. I am so jealous of people who can just send their kids off to school without a second thought as to if they will come home alive at 3:00 in the afternoon. I hate being jealous. I'm tired.


  1. The mommy guilt that you touched on in this post...can I just say this, I am the Queen of Mommy Guilt. I have so been there, done that. I think that many of us d-moms/dads can agree that diabetes can really make us our own worst enemy.

    I hope that Emma is feeling better today. Wishing you and your family and blessed weekend.

  2. Wow you and I are on the same path...first off there is nothing wrong with wanting to see Snooki fall on her face drunk as hell. I watch too :O) And the guilt is so hard to let go of isn't it? My son has had a cold for a few days and yesterday was really hard on him. Trace keytones and super high sugars that no matter what I did I couldn't get him down at all. I wanted to test after dinner lastnight just so that I could know what was going on in his body but I had to wait and see. I'd be poking him every few hours if I could. But I don't, I pace in another room than him and I run numbers in my head. Sound familiar lol