Mommy, I feel low.....
Heart pounding...palms sweating...shivering and shaking...instant icy panic coursing through my veins...throbbing head...screaming NO at the top of my lungs and yet only a mere whisper of sound escapes my suddenly dry lips..."can't take my eyes off of you...you're too good to be true...i just can't take my eyes off of you"...don't let this be the time...please God don't let this be the time...don't take her from me...you can't take her from me...please don't...let this one pass too...let the number come back up...let the juice work...let her stay here with me...i need her here with me...let us keep trying...please let us fight this and win...let me keep her...let me kiss her beautiful forehead goodnight as she lay her head upon her soft pillow again tonight....let me keep her...let me see her shining eyes again...let me see the dull and far off sugar deprived look disappear from her eyes once more...let me see them shine again...let me see them sparkle...give me back my daughter...my bright beautiful funny amazing daughter...please let this work...please give me the strength to make it through this...give me the strength and the knowledge to do this right...don't let me fail...don't let me make a mistake and torture me by watching her slip away from me right now at this moment in this darkened coffee shop parking lot...sitting here in her car seat...so small...so lost...so scared...don't take her from me now...please let me do this right...please heal her body...please heal her...please help me...i feel so lost so scared so terrified such a failure...i feel so gone...so alone...so scared...i need her...i can't breathe without her...i can't live without her...i need her...you gave her to me 7 years ago...i can't give her back already...please help me...i can't do this...i can't handle the pressure...i can't handle the worry...the panic..the pain...the stress...never ending swirling around me in a constant mist of overwhelming noise...it's too much...far too much...i'm not good enough...im not smart enough...im not strong enough...i cant do it anymore...it's beating me...it's winning...im sitting here watching it beat me...im watching it sneer and cackle and wonderously triumph over me...im watching it win...im losing...i can't do it...my heart can't handle the pain and the worry and the fear anymore...its broken...its scarred...its angry...its awful...its a disgusting and wretched feeling...why can't i save her...why can't i do it right...why can't i fix it...why can't i be stronger....i can't hold up my wall anymore...it's crumbling down into a million dusty pieces all around me....and all i can do is sit here frozen...numb...lost...sit here in the front seat of my car...and stare at her...stare at her because i fear if i look away if only for a second...if i even blink...you will take her from me...please don't take her from me.....
Oh Amy, the places my head goes when dealing with this stupid disease scares me. I feel alone and beaten and that I can't do it anymore. I pray to everyone in hopes that someone is hearing me. I hate this disease and what it has done to Jacob and our entire family. It's always lurking just ready to take the fun out of a wonderful day. This post had me sobbing. Love you Amy & Emma. xoxo. We have to skype soon.
ReplyDeleteExactly exactly exactly. I know those thoughts, that inner dialogue, the way you beat yourself into a bloody pulp on the inside. Your mind races so fast and the fear is tangible. Its a very very scary reality, and a tough job to know your responsiblity to this childs pancreas... You are doing a wonderful wonderful job as a mummy to Emma. You express yourself so well.
ReplyDeleteI could feel the heaviness pressing on my chest, the hands griping around my throat...hate those moments when this damn disease grips you and seeps into every fiber of your being. UGH!
ReplyDeleteKnow I'm holding up my crumbling wall right along with you, my friend!