Tuesday, October 4, 2011

My guilt suitcase

Ok, so we are over 3 years into this life of diabetes and there is one thing that still seems to stick around and get me at least a couple of times a week. I'm curious if any of  you find yourselves running into the same situation....
Guilt...the big G word...it's so bad that it has one more letter than the infamous "4 letter words" many of us use on a daily basis. In the beginning days of this, I found myself battling the guilt monster over everything...even just the simple fact that she has diabetes...I felt the overwhelming guilt weight spread out across my back and I carried it around with me everywhere I went. I knew in my head that it wasn't my fault that she got it, but my heart...oh my heart left that nagging questioning guilt floating around. Since then I have actually come to terms with the simple fact that no...it wasn't my fault...it just happened...plain and simple...it was just the hand we were dealt.
As the years have flown by, I have pretty well managed to dump a lot out of the ol' suitcase of guilt that I carry with me. However, there has been one thing that just wouldn't seem to leave me! Here is a prime example of it....
This afternoon before I went to get Emma for lunch, I grabbed a juicebox for myself because I was feeling a little bit low...shaky...nauseous...the whole deal. Well, I finished most of it and headed out the door to grab the boss lady from school and get her some lunch. We came home and she walked into the living room to discover the juicebox sitting there on the coffee table. She loudly shouted to me, "MOMMY! who's juice is that? Can I have one?"....my first thoughts were UGH...I forgot to hide the evidence. I don't know how you all handle juice in your house, but since Emma was diagnosed, I rarely give her juice unless of courses she is low. It's kind of strange to think of juice as more of a medicine now than the sweet tangy goodness that it is. I just find it too difficult to manage the spike afterwards, so I rarely will give it to her (again...unless she is low)....and especially not when I would be sending her back to school where I wouldn't be able to keep a close eye on her. I usually try to steer her towards crystal light or something else like that if she is in a juicey mood...which thankfully isn't often...she's more of a water drinker anyway.
Anyway, as I felt the guilt suitcase weighing my back down...I started thinking...there I was, standing there, feeling guilty about leaving a juicebox on the table and getting "busted" by her. I realized how ridiculous it was....harboring guilt over a juicebox. Yes, I was reminded once again that food and drink do not necessarily hold the same meaning for me now as they did years ago. I was reminded that no matter how hard I try to make it not so...we are different...we MUST be different to survive...to thrive. I realized that I am ok with being different. I realized that my kid really doesn't care as much as I thought she did about things like this. I realized that she really is a whole lot more reasonable and logical than I give her credit for. I'm ok with the juicebox guilt leaving me for good now...I can't believe I've kept it with me for this long. Maybe I'm a slow learner...lol
It's nice to feel this guilt suitcase getting lighter as the years go by. I think it might be time to switch to a carry-on bag instead...lol


  1. you know what, im confronting so many of my own issues because of D. i feel like what a big fat hypocrite. honestly, hope my guilt suitcase is getting lighter!

  2. I lost my enjoyment of a good meal for a long time after "D" entered our lives. I don't know why, but this post reminded me of that.

    As far as guilt goes, most of mine stems from parenting the sibling of a type 1 child. I struggle in that department.