Every once and a while I will go back and read over some of my old posts on here...and I've come to the realization that to any one outside (or maybe even inside?!) the diabetes world most likely sees me as having a bit of a problem with mood swings...lol. Some days I am upbeat and doing my best at keeping a positive outlook on things...and other days I am caught in the trenches of diabetes hell...mulling my way through some dark and depressing times and feelings. I don't really have an explanation for it or even a reasonable excuse for it other than the fact that it is really the nature of the beast. Some days with diabetes in the house are good...and others not so much.
Anyway, for some reason today I have been stuck thinking about some not so happy things. I've been finding myself slipping back into remembering those thoughts from over 3 years ago when she was diagnosed. I think it's because Emma has been invited to that sleepover birthday party. Even though she has made it quite clear that the real reason why she doesn't want to sleep there has absolutely nothing to do with diabetes...it still has gotten me thinking about those early days. About how unfair this disease is. How something so simple and normal for a kid has to be turned into this big prepared detailed worry fest. It's not fair that I can't just send my kid off to enjoy her first sleepover birthday party with friends and not think twice about her health and if she would survive the night. It's not fair that I can't just drop her off, kiss her goodbye, tell her to have a blast, and leave knowing that my only fear would be whether or not I would get that phone call from her in the middle of the night asking me to pick her up because she is too scared to sleep at a different house. It's not fair. I hate how this disease makes me jealous. I hate that feeling. I don't like how diabetes has to fight me every step of the way every second of the day. I don't like it and I don't think it's fair or right....why does it have to be my child? Why couldn't she have just had a bladder infection that day I took her to the doctor? Why couldn't the doctor have just walked into the room with the results and told me "Ahh Amy, she has a bladder infection and here is a prescription...things should be cleared up in a couple of days...good as new."...why did it have to be diabetes? Why did it have to be us? our family? my child?
If I let myself think about it too much or for too long...if I let myself get swept up in that jealousy and that angry questioning...then I fear that I will never find my way back out again. I fear that if I give in or let my wall down for even a split second too long...then it will be all over. I know...i know...it could be worse...she could have cancer...she could have died...she could have had a lot of things...but let me assure you that diabetes is no picnic...it's no walk in the park...it's far from being easy. Diabetes is like this ever present weight on your shoulders...a lot of times weighing you down so much that the pain is unimaginable...some times you find yourself so used to the weight and it's every day monotony that the it seems to have sort of lightened a bit...never really disappearing...but somehow a little lighter.
I know this moment and this dark cloud in my thinking and feelings will come to pass...it always does eventually...I'm glad that I can write this out and share this snapshot of my process in dealing with this disease...I hope that some of you can relate. I would have thought that after 3+ years of living this life that I wouldn't be dealing with feelings like this anymore...anger, jealousy, loss...but I guess I was wrong.