Thursday, April 7, 2011

With shovel in hand, I attempt to make it happen

So, I've decided to take the plunge and write something. I'm not calling it a book...simply because that seems to daunting to me. It seems too much and too overwhelming. I haven't come up with an appropriate term for what I am doing yet. So, I will just stick with calling it "writing something". I am finding it difficult and yet easy all at the same time. It's easy, so to speak, because the words just keep flowing and it is constantly on my mind. Since I have decided to do this, I find myself going about my daily tasks always thinking about what I want to write next. It's like this constant urge or need drawing me to the computer making me want to just hurry and get all the words and feelings out of me before it's too late. On the other hand, I am finding it extremely difficult because I'm having to go back to that dark and frightening place in my head of when Emma was diagnosed. I am trying to get all of the true feelings out so I'm attempting to dig up all of those emotions that I've worked so hard over the years to bury. It feels like I am purposely and intentionally torturing myself. I'm grabbing the hand of that naive and meek version of myself from nearly 3 years ago and dragging her along. I'm forcing her to take hold of the shovel and dig through all of the muck and horror of those first few days. I'm standing there at the edge of the hole she is digging...just yelling at the top of my lungs at her to keep digging...keep moving...keep going!! There she is covered in tears and sweat and filth...and I am forcing her to keep at it. It's hard. I know that I am the only one standing in my way. I know that I, more often than not, am my own worst enemy when it comes to accomplishing something. So, I hope that when all is said and done, I am able to finish the job. I hope that I can find the right words to express what I am feeling. I hope that I can force myself to just keep digging. I hope that what I write will be good enough. Most of all, I hope that it will help someone going through the same things I am going through. I feel selfish though because it is honestly helping me too. It is turning out to be an extended version of my little blog therapy sessions. After each writing session, I feel better. I sit there typing away, getting the words...the story...the memories out of my head, with tears streaming down my face. Once the words stop flowing and I put it away for the moment...I feel better. It's a long process...and one of the most difficult things I have attempted to do so far, but I think it is the right thing to do. Even if I am the only one who ever reads it or likes it, I think it will be worth it.


  1. I know exactly what you are going through. My husband keeps encouraging me to "write a book" since our kids' condition is so rare. I have been "writing" this book for over 3 years now, but it is so hard. It is hard to go back through those emotions of diagnosis and the trials of living with this horrible disease day in and day out.

    Like you, I blog as therapy and often the tears flow freely as I write on my blog and on my book. I don't know if I will ever finish it. In some ways, our story is still unfolding as we are the "pioneers" of this new treatment and we just don't know what to expect from day to day.

    Keep writing and good luck on your journey. It's not easy and maybe we can encourage each other along the way.

  2. Gosh! I have been wanting to make a book or something with BB. I dunno. But, I definitely get more benefit from blogging than any of the people reading it do. It is like free "therapy".

    I cannot wait to see/read your finished product. I am sure it will be "real" and heartfelt. Your writing is beautiful.

    Thank you for your kind words today. I love ya...xoxo

  3. I agree with Reyna your writing is beautiful. You write from your heart. Being genuine, emotional and humble. You definately go for it.

  4. thanks everyone! I am so greatful for all of truly save my sanity on a daily basis and are amazingly supportive. :o)

  5. Wonderful. I think it would be a great help to others also. My youngest son was diagnosed Dec. 27, 2010. I am so thankful for your blog and others like it that tell about dealing/living with type 1.