One week from today, Emma and I will be going to the hospital to meet up with the diabetic nurse educator. She is one of the nicest people I have ever met. She will be showing me the infusion sets for the pump and actually trying them out on me. I think it will be a good thing for Emma to see. I am hoping that I won't flinch or say "OW!" or anything that will cause her to believe that it hurts too much. I will definitely have to pull out my award winning acting skills, because honestly I am a big wimp when it comes to needles. The nurse mentioned to me that after we do the infusion sets on me...she would like to see if Emma would let her do one on her as well.
This makes me nervous...in fact it scares me and is already starting to stress me out. This has always been the big brick wall standing in our way...seperating us from the world of pen needles...and pump freedom. It's the one thing that Emma is scared of when it comes to the pump. It was the main reason why she screamed and cried and shouted that she NEVER wanted a pump when we first showed her one almost 2 years ago. Well, now that she is a bit older...and a bit more reasonable...she has made up her own mind that she in fact DOES want the pump...but she is still terrified of the needle. That little infusion set needle might as well be the Great Wall of China for us. Here I stand, with Emma at my side...facing our side of that wall...the bricks all worn and smooth and familiar. I can hear all of the laughter and playing and freedom on the other side of that wall...and Emma and I both want nothing more than to climb on over and join in. That stupid wall is so big and looming and impossible looking to Emma...she feels like there is no way in the world she will ever be able to get over it.
I need to find a way to help her get over it. I need to figure out a way to reason with her and make her realize that the needles aren't that scary and they aren't going to hurt her as badly as she is imagining. I need to think it through and figure this obstacle out so I can help her over the wall and onto the other side where she will have a bit more freedom in her life. Diabetes makes my brain hurt sometimes. I think the majority of people don't realize how much this disease really affects you mentally and emotionally. I can handle the physical management of it day in and day out....but sometimes the mental and emotional part of it just makes me want to crawl back into bed and tuck my head under the covers...and hope that maybe someone else will figure it out.