Tuesday, April 26, 2011

The true meaning of fear

There are moments in life that are forever embedded in our memories. Certain things can happen...a phone call, a chance meeting, a random choice....they all have the ability to turn our lives upside down and completely change everything that we have ever known. It's really a scary thing if you sit there and think about it too much. I've had quite a few of those moments in my life. The random message I sent my husband over the internet when I lived in a completely different country before I even knew he existed. That random message turned into a soon to be 9 year marriage to my best friend and gave me the most beautiful thing I have ever known in my life...my daughter. The phone call from my family doctor telling me that I needed to bring my 4 year old daughter in to the hospital because she has diabetes. That phone call resulted in the largest upheaval of in my way of thinking, the biggest change in my lifestyle, the most difficult moments I've ever experienced, and the sweetest most proud victories in my life.
Well, today I experienced yet another one of those moments in life. It was just another ordinary Tuesday and I had dropped Emma back off at school after lunch. I walked her around the back of the school just like I have done every single day this year. I walked back to the front doors on my own carrying her backpack inside for her to hang on her hook in the hallway. I stopped to chat with her teacher about this Thursday because there is going to be a LOT going on that day...from a field trip to the fire station in the morning, pizza day at lunch, a visit to the church in the afternoon, and an assembly for the last hour of school. I will have to be there all day to keep an eye out on Emma. I will be going to the fire station with her to keep an eye on her blood sugars, I will be giving her the needle at lunchtime when she finishes her pizza, I will be driving her to the church so I won't have to worry about her going low on the walk over that the rest of the school does, I will be staying at the church with her and driving her back to the school afterwards to avoid the walk again. I might as well just consider myself a grade 1 student that day...
Anyway, we also chatted about how I was still waiting to hear back from the nurse at the hospital in regards to when we can get our pump start date. After we finished chatting I went home and saw there was a message on my phone...it was the nurse telling me that we could have our saline trial with the pump on May3rd and our actual pump start date would then be May10th. I hung up the phone after the message was over. I sat down. I felt like I had just been punched in the gut.
I'm scared. I've never been more scared of anything in my entire life. I am excited as well, but that fear is just seeming to overwhelm me...it's trying to consume me. I'm basically scared of two things....I'm scared that once we get the pump and have it attached to Emma for a few days, she will hate it and ask to have it taken out and decide she doesn't want it. I'm also terrified that I will do something wrong. I'm almost paralyzed with fear that I will "eff" sometthing up and kill her. This is an insane amount of pressure. It's an insane amount of expectation and anxiety. It feels like if I decided to just for one split second let my guard down, that I would very quickly and quietly slip over the edge into the land of crazy town. That scares me. It scares me how often and how much my life as a diabetic Mom seems to be just teetering on the brink of losing it. Yes, there are some days where I feel confident and we just go about the routine with minimal problems. But then there are days like today, where I feel lost. I feel like I am hanging on by a thread and I feel like everyone around me thinks that I can do this...but I really can't. I feel like I have fooled them all into believing that I know what I am doing...i've pulled off the greatest sham in history...i've been trying for almost three years now to seem like I can do this...to seem like I know what I'm doing...to seem like I am confident and that i don't worry all the time...i feel like I can't do this. I feel like I am building this up into something so gigantic. I'm scared. I just want to do the right thing. I just want to do what's best for my daughter. I want to be strong. I wish I was strong. I wish I didn't doubt myself. Sorry if this post is sort of ranting and sorry if it doesn't make much sense....i just needed to get it out of my head...because I'm scared....and I guess I'm just trying to convince myself that I can do this.


  1. You can do this! Take a deep breath and take it slow. There is a lot to learn with a pump, but don't let it overwhelm you...just focus on the basics. It's okay to be scared, but don't doubt yourself! :)

  2. You ARE strong! You CAN do this!
    It's big step, but you aren't going to be taking it alone. Listen, ask questions, listen some more, and ask some more questions!!
    You aren't expected to know everything on that first day...it's a learning process. Heck, we're on month 6 with the Omnipod and I'm still learning things!
    Go for it!!

  3. Most of the things in life that we worry about and are freak out about are in the future and are almost NEVER as bad as we imagine. (The true scary things are the ones out of the blue that we never did imagine!) You managed to learn one method of giving insulin in the midst of dealing with all your feelings amidst the biggest shock of your life. And the pump in my opinion is much harder to screw up than shots. (No giving the wrong type of insulin, no measuring wrong, no kid jerking away during shot and leaving insulin drippin down arm). You will do great.

  4. I get it. Change is scary. It is even more formidable when it involves the safety and well being of your child. You will do great...take it one step at a time. Please feel free to email me or call or whatever if you have questions, concerns, etc that need a crazy lady to address - LOL.


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  6. What a great post! You brought tears to my eyes as memories of our early pumping days came rushing back. My son has been pumping for 3.5 years now and it has completely changed the way I look at diabetes management.

    Indeed switching to a pump is a terrifying change, but it is also an incredible one. The learning curve is fast and steep, and for the few weeks you might feel like your brain has turned into jello as you try and understand about basals and boluses, carb ratios and insulin sensitivity factors. But when you see what an enormous amount of independence a pump will give your child, it is so worth it.

    One test at a time, one bolus at a time, and before you know you won't remember how your family ever lived without the pump.