Last night I reached a milestone moment. I made it to page 50 of this "thing" I've decided to write. I've never written anything this long before in my life. I've gotten a lot of words, thoughts, and memories out of my head already in doing this....but I feel like there is so much more left still. I'm finding myself wondering how long this "thing" is going to turn out to be and if it will be any good. I wonder if it will even make any sense to any one other than me? At times, I find it really hard to get back into that memory...to feel those emotions...to re-live it, so to speak. Sometimes, I will sit here with tears falling from my eyes trying to will my fingers to move faster on the keyboard just so I can get the memory out and be done with it...so I can stop crying and just leave that horrible place in my head again. Other times I find myself laughing and sitting here with a big stupid grin on my face as I recall something hysterical that occured and I try to get the memory out slowly and stay in that light and happy place for as long as possible. All in all though, I am finding it to be a very interersting journey. Sometimes after writing a few pages, I feel a sort of emptiness inside. Not so much a "bad emptiness" feeling...it's more like my heart feels a little bit lighter. I think over the years diabetes has stolen so much of my heart and hardened my heart so many times, that by getting my thoughts and feelings out in this writing is slowly helping to rebuild it and make me feel that light feeling again. It's such a weird thing though because this lightness feels so strange to me now. It feels weird. It makes me wonder if this is how I felt before diabetes moved in to our house. I wonder if this is how your average person feels every day? I wonder if I just don't recognize this feeling anymore because I haven't felt it in almost 3 years now?
I know the second the doctor told me that my daughter was diabetic, I was changed for what I thought would be forever...it was just one of those proverbial moments in life that changes you and will either make you stronger...or drag you down in defeat. So here I sit, wondering if by writing this "thing" I am sort of bringing a little bit of that old version of myself back...the happy and easy going version. I think that would be nice. I could handle having a bit of that part of my soul around again.