Friday, April 8, 2011
The bravest person I have ever met
I am sitting here breathing a HUGE sigh of relief! Today was the day that Emma and I went to the hospital to try out the infusion sets for the pump. The appointment was at 3:00pm and honestly this afternoon seemed like the longest one of my life. Emma had off of school today, so she was happily playing with her toys and playing various games on the computer. I was sitting on the couch and staring at the clock...watching the stupid minute hand draaaaaaag around in a circle. I might as well have sat there and counted "one mississippi...two mississippi...three mississippi..." at least I would have felt a little more productive. In any case, when it was finally time to leave, we gathered up our stuff and headed out the door. My stomach was starting to tense up with that familiar panic/nervous/oh my gosh what have i gotten myself into feeling. To try and distract myself, I decided to focus on driving and made idle chit chat with Emma. We talked about her latest obsession...Mad Libs. They are a blast! I am however getting over the whole "Mommy, what's an adverb? Mommy, what's a past tense verb?" scenario...I feel like I am back in English class. Anyhoo...back to the drive! I made my way downtown to the hospital and parked the car. We walked inside and met up with the nurse in the "family room." She jumped right in and began showing me how to use all of the different infusion sets on this creepy fake skin looking thing. Once that was finished, we decided to try one out on me. I stood up and she wiped my stomach off with an alcohol swab and got everything ready. I wanted to try to do it myself, but my hands were just shaking like crazy and I was starting to freak out a little bit seeing Emma cringe and partially cover her eyes. So, the nurse took over and did it for me. I was completely surprised because it didn't hurt at all!!! Emma was totally not convinced though. Once the nurse asked her if she wanted to try one on herself, Emma immediately burst into tears and put her head down on the table. The nurse told Emma that she could just try next time if she wanted to...there was no rush at all. So, we got up and made our way out to the car. On our way though, I asked Emma to sit down for a minute and talk with me. We sat down and I saw this look of total disappointment and fear in her eyes. I wanted to help her, but I knew that she needed to decide to make this leap on her own. I told her that I love her more than anything in this world. I asked her if she believed me when I told her that it didn't hurt and she said yes. She was sobbing still and through her tears and hiccuping breaths, she managed to blurt out that she DID believe me, but she was just scared. She was afraid that it would hurt and she didn't think she was brave enough to try. She thought that she would never be able to do it and she would then never be able to get a pump. She thought that she would screw up her chances and she wouldn't get to live a somewhat more "normal" life. My heart ached seeing her this way...seeing her speak about things that should be waaay beyond her years...watching her shoulders shake and her eyes so afraid and angry...so disappointed in herself. I wanted to make it all better...i wanted to fix it and convince her that she IS brave. So, i told her that she really only had two choices in the matter...she could accept the fact that she was scared, realize that the fear wasn't going to go anywhere...it would always be there until she actually did it and knew first-hand what it felt like, walk back to the nurses office and ask her if she could try it now, and just hold onto my hand and work through the fear together, stand up to it, kick it in the bum and do it anyway......OR she could walk out the hospital front doors, get in the car and drive home with me, still wondering, still nervous, still worrying, still stressing over the unknown, and just put it off until the future. She sat there for what felt like an eternity and then looked up at me with her big brown eyes, her jaw set, he shoulders squared...and said, "ok...I'm scared out of my mind, Mommy....but I WANT to do this...let's go.".........so we did. She was great. She was brave. She was, is, and always will be my hero. I have never been more proud of anything or anyone in my entire life.
Posted by sky0138 at 8:45 PM