Thursday, October 28, 2010

To BELIEVE or not to believe

Do you ever feel like this is all just a big waste of time? Like there will never be a cure for diabetes? Or like maybe some scientist in some lab somewhere has actually already found a cure and someone is forcing it to be kept from the public? Do you ever feel like this is all just a big joke...except no one dealing with it every day is really laughing? I do. I feel like this sometimes. Like maybe there is some idiot making ridiculous amounts of money off of there NOT being a cure...and he's not quite ready to let that money go yet. I know people always no no, if there was a cure they would have to tell us. Well, sometimes I think that I am just becoming more and more cynical in my old age. I feel like someone is dangling that proverbial carrot in front of my nose telling me that a cure is just around the corner. I want to believe it with all of my heart and soul. Of course I want to be able to give my daughter her childhood back...but sometimes I just can't find the faith to believe it any more. Sometimes I feel like I am at that point where i should just make the decision to keep the faith alive and keep believing that a cure will come in her lifetime....or i should just accept the reality as it is right now and realize that the odds of that happening are not very good. One nugget of wisdom that my Dad has passed on to me when I was younger is that if you don't have any expectations of people, you will never be disappointed. I want to believe that a cure is near...i want it so bad that i can taste it. But I am so beyond sick of being disappointed by diabetes and all that it entails, that i feel like i should just not expect it anymore. I feel though that if i make that conscious decision in my head to just not expect a cure...that a big part of my faith in people and faith in the world actually being a fair and good and honest place will die forever. I don't want to be a bitter old woman who is mad at the world for not helping my daughter. I don't want to be angry and mad at the system. I don't want to carry around the weight of that on my shoulders for the rest of my life. But I get so tired sometimes....a LOT of the time actually. The weight gets to be so much that i feel like i can't take it anymore. I feel like it has pushed me down to the ground and i am forced to crawl along on my hands and knees while carrying the weight of diabetes...looking for that light and hope and faith in a cure. It's hard. Maybe one day I will buckle under that weight and make a decision to just accept that a cure isn't there. I wonder if life would be any easier that way? For now though, I guess that i am either still too naive...or maybe just too stubborn to give up that faith and hope. I guess being stubborn can be a good thing sometimes.

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