I've always been a big fan of music. I love how listening to a certain song can bring you right back to where you were when you first heard it. Other songs you can just simply relate to instantly. It feels like the person who wrote the song climbed right in your head and wrote down all of your thoughts and feelings. Well, in my 33 years I have come across a few of those...One of them I heard on the radio today actually. It is "Fix You" by Coldplay. I wouldn't call myself a major fan of Coldplay really...if one of their songs comes on the radio, I will listen to it. Well, the first time I heard "Fix You" I felt it...instantly burst out crying. It wasn't that long after Emma was diagnosed and this song just went right through me. Here are some of the lyrics:
"When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse....."
"Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face and I....
Lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you"
It just got to me...i felt like i was trying my very best and i had failed my daughter. I was always coming at her with needles and for the first 3 months she would scream and cry like i've never heard her do before. It felt like she was looking at me to fix this and stop hurting her and give the diabetes a kiss to make it all go away. I couldn't do that...i couldn't save her...i couldn't protect her...i felt like i was failing her as her mommy...all i was doing was hurting her and causing her pain. So, when I heard that song...i felt it...i just wanted to fix her. I wanted to fix what was no longer working. Looking back on those first few months now, I see how different I am. Yes without a doubt in the world I still want to fix her...that will never change. I was so naive though...that mommy hadn't yet seen the true pain of diabetes. The sheer panic of sick days and lows and ketones and everything else that goes along with it. That mommy didn't yet know the patience she would need and the true stress she would have to endure. That mommy didn't yet know what sleepless nights were really like. It makes me sad sometimes to think of that snapshot of my life...sad because i WAS so naive...ignorance is bliss...lol. I do look back though and see how many steps we've actually walked on this journey...how many obstacles we've made it over...how many pebbles of diabetes knowledge I've picked up along the path and now keep in my back pocket. I'm proud of us. I'm proud of ME.
So now when I hear songs like "Fix You", i let myself go back in that moment in the past for just a little bit. But then i move on and keep walking down our path. I can't wait to see what's around the bend....i'm hoping it's a cure.