Saturday, October 16, 2010

I blame myself

We have had one hell of a day today...UGH! Saturdays are always busy because in the mornings Emma has piano lessons and in the afternoon she has a 2 hr long gymnastics class. Well, when we pulled in the parking lot of gymnastics I checked her blood sugar before we went in and she was I gave her an extra needle to correct it and off we went. Well, I knew that the activity of gymnastics would bring her blood sugar down a I didn't give her a full correction according to my chart. Half way thru the class they have a break and eat a snack...i checked her at that time and she was down to 13. I thought well, it's not perfect...but it will do for now because I don't want her going low during class. All went well for the remainder of class and we went home to get my husband and decided to go out for supper at King's Buffet. When we parked the car at the restaurant, Emma said to me "Mommy can you check me cause I think I'm low" Yes she was low in fact...she was only 2.3! awesome. I gave her juice to fix the low and off we went for supper. Well, now here I sit...thinking over the day...realizing it is totally and completely MY fault that she was low. We've been dealing with diabetes for over 2 years now...and that is one thing that I still can not get straight in my head. I know people make mistakes...i know i make a TON of them every day...but when it comes to my kid and her health...her life actually....UGH! I blame myself. It was me who gave her the needle. It was me who messed up. It was me who could have caused a serious problem resulting in her having a seizure or winding up in the hospital or even dying. I pushed the needle in her arm and I did it. I don't think the average person really grasps the amount of pressure that is. How can someone walk around day in and day out with that amount of pressure on them? How can a PARENT walk around with that amount of pressure and still be expected to function normally? I have a hard time coming to grips with the fact that my daughters actual life is in my hands on a daily basis. How can I as her mommy get that fact straight in my head? This 6 year old innocent, perfect, beautiful, smart girl came from me...and now every single friggin day i am responsible for keeping her body functioning as normal as possible. Sometimes the stress of that is so much that it makes me feel like i could explode. I know that mistakes happen...but I always wonder when and if the day will ever come that i make that stupid mistake and something terrifying and dangerous happens. How would I ever be able to live with myself? Diabetes is cruel. It's unfair. It is ceaseless and exhausting. I often wonder how God could make this happen to a kid. She's just a 6 year old kid who deserves to just be a kid. Why did all of this pressure and stress and crap have to be put in our lives? I once again am realizing that I ask myself too many questions that I know do not have an answer. I wish i had all the answers like I thought I did when I was a teenager....

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