That quest for perfection is a double edged sword. You are setting yourself up for failure daily...and yet you are still reaching for a lofty goal. Goals are good. They keep us moving ahead. They keep our minds focused on the horizon. Oh what a beautiful horizon it is. Soft warm oranges and reds swirling across the sky...that special kind of breathtaking beauty that is rare to find in this life. That's where perfection is. We keep walking along the dusty road...step after step...knowing in our hearts that eventually we will get there...and oh what joy we will feel then. It's that drive inside...that fight within that pushes you ever onward in an attempt to be the perfect pancreas for your child. As we walk along and see those long shadows forming around us...terrifying and looming on our hearts, we still keep moving. There is no time to glance behind us and peer across the lands already travelled...so we must file them away in our minds as the all-important "lesson learned"....or "mistake made"...or "victory achieved."
Keep looking ahead. Keep walking. Keep picking up your feet and placing them down in front of you. Let your chin fall to your chest if you have to. Let the salty tears cut tracks across your dusty cheeks and fall to the earth below your feet to be absorbed by the sands of time. Mutter thoughts of failure to yourself. Don't be afraid to speak those words. Don't feel like if you speak them aloud, that they will become too real...too tangible. Mutter them to yourself...to your dust covered feet. Get them out of your head and out of your heart. It's ok to be mad at yourself. It's ok to feel like you have failed. It's ok to cry.
as long as you keep moving. Just keep moving.
You will get there one day. You will reach that horizon and you will feel the joy...not because you have reached the land of pancreas perfection.....but rather because you will have discovered that there is no such thing....pancreas perfection....or perfection in general really. You will feel the joy...the warmth of that breathtaking sunset...the oranges and reds and yellows washing over you...across your tear stained and dirty cheeks...swirling across your aching shoulders...and all around. You will feel the joy because you have reached the land of acceptance. Acceptance for the life you have been given, the disease that invaded your home, and the knowledge that you can not be a perfect pancreas. Simply put....you can be YOU....and that in itself is perfect enough.