"Give me hope in silence, it's easier...it's kinder..."
I love that line. It's from a Mumford and Sons song called "The Enemy" and in the movie "Wuthering Heights." Sometimes diabetes seems so loud. It seems so excruciatingly loud. Low blood sugars, illnesses, worry of the future, worry when she's not near....it's so loud. The constant-ness of it...it's always there, always present, in everything we do and everything that happens. The noise is deafening sometimes. I can be standing in a room full of people and feel this overwhelming urge to scream my fool head off sometimes. I stand there surrounded by normal every day things, and I have to bite my lip just to hold in the scream of exhaustion...the scream of frustration...the scream of just wanting to get a break in my mind from all of the numbers. Do you have any idea what it is like to have a constant stream of numbers floating around in your head? Never ending numbers...what was her blood sugar this morning? How many carbs did she eat yesterday at snack time? What is her insulin to carb ratio? What time did I change that basal rate? When was the last time I checked her? When was the last time I slept? The noise of the numbers can sometimes rival that of a summer's night concert at Soldier Field stadium in Chicago...except instead of the great outdoors and the beautiful night sky to consume the noise, it is just my head...just my own mind left there to somehow listen to all of that noise.
So, when I sit here late at night...in the silence...it's nice. It's quiet. Sure on some of the really hard days that is the time when the noise of the numbers will hit me the worst....but many times that is when I can just sit...and enjoy the silence...find the hope in the silence. I can sit there and close my eyes...soak it in and relish every single fleeting moment of that blissful silence. The silence in those moments is definitely kinder and helps me get through the loud days a little easier.
Ah, yes...when it's quiet, it is fabulous. Not having to 'think' about everything; being able to pause that constant stream of thoughts, if only for a few moments, can provide the needed strength to continue with the never endingness of D.
ReplyDeleteHere's to more moments of quiet!
Sometimes ppl talk to me and even thought I am looking dead at them... I dont hear a word. My mind is on site changes and did I blous him? Did he eat all his dinner or I should have backed off a little... hes running around now?!? SHIT!
ReplyDeleteI am so tired... I don't even know where I was going with this :/
I love that quiet time even though it most often comes late at night when I should be sleeping but I can't because one or both my "sweet" kids required either a correction or a carb and I am waiting it out rather than risking not hearing the alarm clock. (wow run-on)
ReplyDeleteAnyway - I know the feeling of the peace in silence but also the non-silence that comes with it. If Ive learned anything from your posts that I have lurked around for sometime - it is that you are doing it right. (maybe your right isn't the same for others but it works for you and your dd) Hugs.