Do you ever find yourself trying to make something work out perfectly when it comes to diabetes? Do you ever want to make it happen so bad that it takes every last ounce of your mental strength to not let it consume you? Sometimes I find myself doing exactly this....like yesterday for example.
Emma has taken piano lessons for almost 2 years now and this year it is always on Mondays after dinner. Well, on the car ride there I decided to stop off at Tim Horton's to grab a tea and as a spur of the moment thing I got Emma a small strawberry banana smoothie. I had never actually gotten her a smoothie since she was diagnosed. Before pumping I was always worried about trying to figure out accurate carb counts and how to measure it out so she wouldn't go over her alloted 25 carb snack maximum....so I never bothered to get her one...and she never asked for one anyway. Post pumping, the thought never honestly crossed my mind....I think it was a case of she didn't really know what she was missing because it had been so many years since she had one. In any case, like the good D-Mom I am...I asked for a nutrition guide and discovered that there are 33g of carbs in a SMALL smoothie...OI....it was so small that honestly I could have drank the entire thing in three swigs no problem. Well, seeing as how we are coming up on 11 months of pumping...I felt confident anyway. I asked Emma if she thought she would drink the whole thing because she has a tendency to drink...set it down for 20 minutes...pick it up...drink...set it down. She told me she would probably only drink half of it, so I told her to bolus for 15 carbs just to be on the safe side. So, off I went driving along to piano. About 20 minutes later, we arrive and I turned around to look at her as I parked the car and see that she drank the entire thing.....ugh. I asked her what happened to only drinking half and why didn't she tell me so she could bolus for the rest...and she gave the standard 8 year old girl answer, "I don't KNOW Mommy!"
So, to make a long story short...she bolused for the remainder, tested at a 21.1 mmol....and spent the next half an hour in piano struggling to concentrate. She's had enough high blood sugars over the years....but I have never seen her struggle like that before....it was depressing, worrying, and eye-opening to be honest. It gave me a glimpse into how things could be when she is in higher grades in school and taking more tests, etc. I was left with an empty feeling once again...caught in that limbo stage of diabetes management that I am all too familiar with. Worrying about her future, daily struggles, and yet stuck in the present wanting to make it all go away to avoid that imagined future.
We got home and I did a site change because she was now 25.6...new insulin, new site, new everything...just cause...I knew it was the smoothies fault...but I think I just wanted to feel productive and proactive. I spoke with my Mom later on the night and told her of our ordeal and she jokingly (?) said to tell Emma that Nana said no more smoothies please! It got me thinking though...I hate that...I was told from day one that she can eat anything she wants. I have lived the past almost 4 years by that philosophy...and made it work for the most part (pizza is another story...grrr!). I did not want to just cut that option out of her life for good. I want to make it work. I want to figure out what went wrong and try it again. I want to find that perfect pattern...be it a needed combo bolus, a prebolus of 20 minutes, or whatever....I just want to make it work.
So here I sit....obsessing over a damn smoothie. Thoughts of the cool strawberry banana goodness...and carbs...insulin...pumps...bolusing. I get like this fire in my mind that makes the determination to make it work come out so strong that it's all I can think of. I must make it work. I can't let the smoothie beat me. I can't let diabetes beat me. It's my kid and if she wants a damn smoothie, I should be smart enough in my pancreatic abilities by now to make it work right!
Diabetes has taught me many things over the years....so many of them are sad, horrible things....but every once and a while one of those good things pops up....like this....I am greatful that diabetes has given me such a strong sense of determination.
All of this from a small smoothie....sheesh.