This morning as Emma and I were standing on the school playground waiting for the bell to ring, I had to smile at the sight before me. She is not really at that age anymore where she feels the need to stand right next to me or anything. She was leaning up against the wall and all of her friends were gathered around giggling and chatting away about the usual 2nd grade girl things...Monster High dolls, how crazy the boys are, and upcoming birthdays. Emma's one friend leaned over and offered her a lifesaver candy as they were chatting. I stood back and kept quiet...I wanted to see what Emma would say...if she would accept one and just pop it in her mouth without a second thought...or if she would take one and ask me how many carbs were in it. Well.....true to form, she did neither...she actually didn't take one. It seemed like such an insignificant thing...and yet I can't seem to get it out of my head. I am sitting here wondering if she refused one simply because she didn't WANT one....or if she just didn't want to be bothered with stepping away from the kid conversation to go ask me the carb count. OR was it that she didn't want to draw attention to her diabetes...pull her pump out and bolus for something so small. I guess I could have the answer to my question if I would just ask her about it.
But I don't want to ask her. I don't want to bring up yet another thing about diabetes with her. Sometimes I feel like we talk about diabetes entirely too much in this house. I know it's sometimes unavoidable due to the day to day routine of it all..."what's your BG? how many carbs is in that? We need to make a ratio change. Come here so I can set a temp basal before you go out and ride your bike!" (btw, I would give anything for Animas to come out with the temp basal feature on the meter/remote....it's the ONE thing I have wished for that you can't do with that remote!) We talk about diabetes whether we intend to or not. It can't be helped really. There are definitely times where it feels like our own 2nd language. We speak diabetes...do you speak diabetes?
So, when situations like this morning occur and I find myself wondering the ever present "why?"....I try to just let it go. I don't want Emma to grow up feeling like all she ever heard about from me was somehow in some way, shape, or form related to diabetes. I need to accept the fact that she is growing up and she has been living with this for almost 4 years now...and if a seemingly insignificant moment in life (like the lifesaver candy refusal) actually bothers her.....I need to trust in that belief that she will bring it up to me...that she will feel comfortable enough in our relationship to talk to me about these things. All I can continue to do at this point is keep laying the groundwork....keep building on that foundation of being her safe spot to land...comforting, no judgement, just a safe place. I hope I am doing that....I suppose only time will tell.